Dr A’s Labora-Oratry

Second Time Lucky?

2010-07-20T15:07:00.002+01:00

The new new home for Dr A’s Labora-Oratry is HERE!

Hello World of Wordpress!

2010-06-08T17:08:00.002+01:00

Well I finally cracked.

Am I paying? Hell no. Have I imported my old blog? Would love to but keep getting a time out error. Will I create my own unique and fabulous layout? Eh… maybe later.

Anyhow, the new home for Dr A’s Labora-Oratry ~~can be found here~~ is temporarily gone because some bastard hacked it and planted a nice trojan there.

ThunderCats - Woohoo! Uh… I mean Ho!

2010-06-04T12:05:00.002+01:00

They’re making a comeback!! Excuse me while I squee in my pants.

OK, so I’m a little afraid for this series. As excited as people act upon announcement, they have a habit or reacting rather badly upon learning that “reimagining” in fact does not mean “carbon copy of the original”. That and the fact that the excellent reimagined He-Man & the Masters of the Universe and Captain Scarlet, both superior to the originals in many ways, were axed after only a couple of seasons.

Here’s hoping this one does better. And that it actually makes it over here. I’ll cry if it doesn’t.

Picture source | MTV Splash Page

Taste the Nostalgia and Squee!

2010-05-23T17:31:00.001+01:00

I dream in retro: Animation by ~DarkTwist on deviant ART

World, Meet Val & Earl

2010-04-26T01:51:00.002+01:00

You know how it is. You go out for a toothbrush and some strawberry tarts and come back with rats. But place a pair of “problem” rodents in front of a girl who has spent the last seven years in rat withdrawal and resistance is useless. These boys needed me.

Their given names were Jonny and James but these were too similar to each other and since they hadn’t been learned were free to be changed. And so they became Val and Earl.

Val: Val is a hooded Dumbo Rat. He has balance problems and unless he’s somewhere he feels particularly secure (i.e. the cage) he runs backwards and round in circles rather than forward. He’s also a clumsy climber but that doesn’t stop him trying. He’s very nervous and jumpy but if he gets onto your lap he turns into a proper little cuddle monster and if he’s in the cage he’ll always come up to the bars to say hello (can rats be agoraphobic?). Dumbo Rats are generally larger than Brown/Fancy Rats with larger more low slung ears (hence the name Dumbo) but Val is significantly smaller than Brown Rat Earl and isn’t expected to grow to full size.

Earl: Earl is a boisterous nibbler and his favourite thing to nibble is people. He’s a mischievous little monster who just loves to sneak up on you, nip you and run away. But his nips are very gentle, purely playful and never aggressive. He’s very inquisitive, investigating everything he comes into contact with (and nibbling it for good measure) and loves to climb, especially over people. He’s the much more forthcoming of the two, coming to say hello without the protection of cage bars that Val needs and he loves wrestling your hands and having his belly tickled.

Together they are a very playful pair with the relationship dynamic of a patient mother and a kit that’s nearly old enough to look after itself but not quite. Before bringing them home, Earl was very protective of Val but within minutes was chilled beyond caring. Hopefully Val will come out of his shell over time, he’s such an affectionate little rat and it’s a shame he’s so shy.

More pictures of cute: MySpace | Facebook

Twin Katanas! Hell yeah!!

2010-04-04T13:07:00.001+01:00

Trailer Park Movies | MySpace Video

Preview | Resident Evil: Afterlife

2010-04-01T15:53:00.001+01:00

I love Resident Evil. I love the games, I love the films. I love films with action heroines and I love any film that stars Milla Jovovich. So it goes without saying that the release of the first stills from Resident Evil: Afterlife have got me more than a little bit giddy.

Finally we get to see Shawn Roberts’ Albert Wesker and Wentworth Miller’s Chris Redfield and most importantly, we get to see what Alice will be wearing this time around. Quite liking the look of Claire Redfield’s outfit here too (I still have nightmares about the pink monstrosity game Claire wore in RE2 *shudders*). And I’m glad they’ve stuck with Claire as their game-universe heroine. I’ve always preferred Claire Redfield to Jill Valentine. Now all we need is Ada Wong. I can live without Leon Kennedy though. He has stupid hair.

I wonder if the September release date means it’ll be shown at FrightFest…

More pictures can be found here

Oh. Dear. God.

2010-03-29T22:14:00.002+01:00

It’s been ten months since my last Last Airbender rant. I honestly thought I’d run out of things to say. And then I saw this:

Even Dev Patel’s white now! And what’s with Katara’s bow? She’s Inuit!! INUIT!!! I give up.

Review & Mini Rant | Avatar (at last)

2010-03-18T15:43:00.006Z

.::Here Be (minor) Spoilers ::.

I don’t get to go to the cinema very often. The nearest one is an hour’s bus ride away and unless one of the drivers in my family wants to see a particular film it’s a given that I won’t get to. And the nearest cinema doesn’t do 3D. I was pretty sure I’d missed the theatre run of Avatar but a weekend trip to London saw it still showing in 3D at a couple of Leicester Square’s cinemas.

And I gotta say… disappointing. I expected very little from the story. I knew from the beginning that this was an exercise of style over substance. Even people who liked the movie say that the story is unoriginal, clichéd and bland. I just hadn’t expected it to be that unoriginal, clichéd and bland. There are no characters to speak of, merely a collection of overly one dimensional caricatures; a gung-ho colonel who’s only purpose in life is to blow shit up in a gung-ho fashion, a corporate weasel who’s only purpose in life is to be weasely in the name of capitalism, wise and mystical Hollywood-friendly indigenous people, ignorant grunts, nerdy scientists and a muscular Latina chick. The dialogue was laughable (I found myself smirking through most of the movie) and so heavy handed that I half expected Stephen Lang and Giovanni Ribisi to launch into a musical number about how awesome money and genocide are.

I never really got the Dances with Wolves vibe from Avatar as similarities between the two are mostly cosmetic but there was a definite Pocahontas meets Ferngully: The Last Rainforest thing happening. It’s very much your typical Nature=Good, Humans=Bad affair, although the morals of that particular theme are somewhat skewed. Supposedly the Na’vi have this great respect for all nature, even reprimanding Sam Worthington for being attacked by a pack of dog like creatures as it results in a couple of the dogs being killed, yet the manner in which the Na’vi themselves “bond” with the animals of Pandora is positively rape-like and the moral hypocrisy of it all is portrayed as something beautiful.

I know this is the point where I’m supposed to say “but…” and praise the visuals but I’m afraid I just can’t. Partly because good GCI does not equate to a good film and no amount of amazing effects can ever make up for a crappy story but mostly because the effects, in all honesty, were nothing to write home about. I was expecting a huge technological payoff and it never came. Frankly I feel cheated. Scale doesn’t impress me, quality does and the quality was just “meh”. The landscape was beautiful (despite the laws of physics being thrown right out the window in order to create it) but the animals and Na’vi were a huge let down. Looking more like something out of a video game than the result of ten years worth of technological development they were too artificial compared to the seamless landscapes around them. And while I’m aware that creating animal life poses challenges not faced with vegetable or mineral rendering, relatively low budget productions such as AVP, Reign of Fire and District 9 display flawless creature CGI so why do we not see it in this ten year, multimillion dollar venture? Overall, the CGI never surpasses and in some cases isn’t even as good as that seen in 2001’s Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within. And perhaps the biggest let down on that score was the 3D. Before the movie, there was an advert for Courvoisier in which a glass shattered and the pieces flew out of the screen at the audience. That was absolutely stunning. And the the 3D in the movie failed to live up to it. Occasionally a wispy spore would attempt to float over the audience or an arrow would be fired in our general direction but for the most part it was distinctly flat.

I wouldn’t go so far as to say the movie sucked. It’s by no means a bad movie. It’s just a nothing movie.

Avatar was billed as something we’d never seen before but it isn’t, neither narratively nor technologically and I find myself a little perplexed as to how they were able to justify a budget of half a billion dollars. Its only strength is the design (which is amazing) but Production Designers and Conceptual Artists don’t make that kind of money per movie (or lifetime) so what the fuck did it do on? It angers me that with so many film makers struggling to get funding James Cameron is able to blow half a billion dollars and ten years creating visual effects that companies like Square Enix can and have been doing better and more cost effectively for years just because he’s James Cameron.

Kind of ironic really given the supposed message of the movie.

Flamethrower! Woohoo!!

2010-03-09T14:42:00.002Z

I’ve been wishing Lara could use a flamethrower ever since that goon set me ablaze in Tomb Raider II and it looks like my wish may finally have been granted.

“Lara Croft & the Guardian of Light” may not be Lara’s next big adventure (more like a spinoff) but if I can kill shit with fire I’ll be happy.

Liron Pe’er Presents “Lady Ice”

2010-03-04T15:58:00.002Z

I’ve been following the progress of “Lady Ice” for around a year now and this is the final product. There are no words but “wow” and “wow” hardly does it justice. Just watch.

And check out: lpdisney.deviantart.com

This is Because I Called You “Perfect” Isn’t It?

2010-02-28T02:37:00.004Z

I had my first Blue Screen of Death today (well, yesterday since it’s after 2am where I am).

I don’t mean my first Blue Screen ever, just my first Blue Screen in six years. My Old Packard Bell used to Blue Screen all the time. It would also overheat to the point where whatever surface it was on (my legs included) would start to smoulder and then shut itself off. One day it shut itself off, never to be turned on again. On reflection, it was a bad choice of machine but I was young, I’d never owned a laptop before and it had see through keys which I though were awesome.

The Dell that followed served me well for three years until it ran out of space for my games and generally disorganised and overflowing media files. So he was replaced with my current laptop, an Inspiron 6400 wittily named DellBoy the 2nd. DellBoy the 1st recently came out of retirement, having not been switched on since his dismissal, and is now being used by my mum to store PDFs.

I’m not especially kind to my computer. Sure, the hard drive is clean but the screen is filthy and the keyboard’s tuna content is abnormally high but still DellBoy II has not let me down. That is until I made the mistake of publically complimenting his performance.

Not that long ago, I mentioned in passing that my iPod had exceeded the life expectancy of his kind. No sooner had I said this than he locked up. Now, iPod’s lock up at the drop of a hat which is easy enough to avoid simply my memorising causes but this time around no cause was present other than Sod’s Law. And iPod lockup is particularly aggravating because Apple’s love of touch sensitivity and abhorrence of buttons means that a simple turn it off and on again is out of the question. All you can do is let the battery die and hope like hell the iPod still works when you charge it up again. Since then, unprovoked lockups have become more frequent, the battery now takes longer to charge than it does to run down and there’s a slowdown on tracks of the kind one generally associates with old cassette tapes.

Why oh why didn’t I learn?

I put DellBoy II on the spot and suddenly he’s showing his age. Ideally, a computer his age needs 3GB of memory to run at his best and the maximum I can give him is 2GB. He can actually take 4GB but only 1GB per slot and he only has two slots. I’m pretty certain this was intentional, a cruel joke on behalf of those nerds with their unique senses of humour. I know how their minds work, I laugh at that Intel advert every time it comes on.

Ah well, hang in there DellBoy…

I Came, I Saw, I Squeegasmed

2010-02-22T17:44:00.002Z

You know when you have a secret, some juicy piece of gossip that you’re just bursting to share but can’t. Sacred knowledge that eats away at your insides until you just want to scream. This is what I imagine that must feel like. All I knew was that it was of vital importance that I be in London on Sunday the 21st of February. My surprise? The cast and crew screening of Neil Marshall’s “Centurion” for which my fella did storyboards and conceptual artwork (and designed the coveted cast and crew hoodie). Such an event is quite possible the most important and exciting moment in any fangirl’s existence.

And I’m not allowed to review it!!

I’ll merely satisfy my frustration by stating that it is awesome. Despite the notable lack of Geordies (and Teesiders). Yeah, I think I can get away with saying that.

Previews of What Could Have Been

2010-02-14T14:30:00.004Z

This is almost a form of nostalgia for me. The last two films I applied and was turned down for work on (and that was with the right contacts).

So close, yet so far…*sniff*

A Plague on Both Your Boobies!!

2010-02-10T17:05:00.001Z

I’ve been reading a lot of blogs lately about women and gaming and specifically the treatment of women in games and how they’re marketed towards men.

Through my reading I’ve learned an important lesson. It doesn’t matter how strong a woman is, how capable she is, how intelligent she is or how brave she is, her breasts will always cancel it out. Her worth diminishes gradually with size and is immediately obliterated upon exposure.

See, I always thought character was a factor in deciding whether or not a portrayal of a woman is sexist but apparently not. It’s all about the boobies.

Good job Christina Hendricks isn’t made up of polygons.

The Most Important Part of the New Year

2010-01-19T00:26:00.001Z

How could I forget?!

A new year means a new edition of Sense About Science’s Celebrities and Science, annual proof the fame and fortune doesn’t necessarily breed wisdom. Or even brain cells.

So clickety click, sit back and have a merry old laugh at the stupid people.

The Best Games of… uh, 1999

2010-01-07T00:54:00.006Z

In the run up to the new year, the web was inundated with best and worst lists for the last decade. I was to be no exception, planning on a top 5 (no more ‘cause I’m lazy) games of the last decade. I hit two hurdles:

I’m a PC gamer, because I prefer keyboards to gamepads and my PC hasn’t been up to spec since 2007 (and gaming is hardly a reason to upgrade an otherwise perfect computer – it spent the last two years full of tuna and curry without issue after all *kisses her Dell*) and the only console I own is a PSX. I can hardly do a best of the decade when I have to exclude the last three years of said decade now can I?
Most of the games that fall into my all time favourites came out in 1999.

So while I’m deciding on my favourite games that just happened to come out within the last decade, here are my top five games from 1999, all of which I intend on replaying in 2010.

Metal Gear Solid (September 1998 | Developer: Konami)

What better way is there to start the best five games of 1999 than with one that came out in 1998? Meh, I got it in 1999 so it counts. When I was but a gal of fourteen I picked up a pair of PlayStation demo discs in Pizza Hut. It was fun playing titbits of Tekken 3 and MediEvil but the thing that hooked me was the trailer for Metal Gear Solid. I would watch it over and over again, feeling my heart skip a beat every time the bombs were planted at the end. It was almost a year before I actually got my hands on a copy but it was worth the wait.

Silent Hill (March 1999 | Developer: Konami)

And when I did get my copy of MGS it came with the demo for Silent Hill! After a few minutes of running around an inordinately well armed elementary school, shooting at demon zombie baby things, Silent Hill was on my Christmas list. Something that always struck me about Survival Horror (or at least Resident Evil) was that there was never much of an atmosphere of horror, they were always more action oriented, with something to kill around every corner. With Silent Hill, enemies were more sporadic and when one did jump out on you, you were more likely to shit yourself. Or at least swear loudly at the TV.

Resident Evil 3: Nemesis (September 1999 | Developer: Capcom)

As much as I love the original Resident Evil, I fail to see the appeal of Jill Valentine - borderline Damsel In Distress with an annoying voice and an even more annoying catchphrase: “Barry, you saved me!” – especially when compared to Claire Redfield and Ada Wong in RE2. It wasn’t until RE3: Nemesis that Jill got to shine! She may have had a bloody stupid outfit but she was now self sufficient and generally badass with the ‘annoying damsel’ role instead handed to Carlos Oliveira. And then of course there was Nemesis himself: fast moving, armed with a rocket launcher and unlike previous RE enemies, he could follow you through doors.

Nocturne (October 1999 | Developer: Terminal Reality)

This entry could be seen as something of a cheat given that back when it was released nobody owned a computer that could handle it which is probably why it’s so criminally overlooked now. Like most Survival Horror (so called because there’s no such genre as Horror Noir) players are recommended to play in a darkened room. Not because the developers think it’ll frighten you more but because the game looks absolutely stunning if you do. In fact it looks pretty damn good if you don’t. Instead of a single game you get four in one, each set in a different year. Terminal Reality’s somewhat more well known follow up, BloodRayne is a direct sequel to the first act while The Blair Witch games serve as a spinoff series.

Tomb Raider: The Last Revelation (November 1999 | Developer: Core Design)

There was to be no globe trotting and no change of outfit for Lara Croft’s fourth outing (save for the training level, set in 1984 and serving as the game’s prologue) but that didn’t make it any less epic. For me, The Last Revelation was the game the original Tomb Raider wanted to be, combining the combat and puzzle solving we know and love from the whole series with the scale and exploration of the hotpanted one’s first outing, all helped along by a (slightly) more advanced game engine and a vast improvement in storytelling. And a cliff-hanger ending to boot. Sort of.

Obligatory Resolution Post

2010-01-03T01:58:00.002Z

And a happy new year to all of you in Blog Land.

I’ve never been one for New Year’s Resolutions. I make the same one every year -learn the words to “Auld Lang Syne” - but invariable fail to keep it. In 2010 I’m adding another:

Blog More!!!

Obviously, having a life outside of blogging is a good thing and being too busy to blog is nothing to apologise for. But there is one tiny factor to consider. I don’t have a life. I have Social Anxiety.

Now, I’m about to embark on a course of CBT and if we are to presume that this will result in me engaging in the sort of activities non-Social Phobes take for granted such as working and socialising, then some time in the future I may well indeed have an excuse for not blogging but for the time being I have nothing to blame but myself.

So yes, I must keep up more with the old blogging thing and I must now think up a befitting punishment to keep me from breaking this Resolution…

Preview | 13Hrs

2009-12-12T22:21:00.008Z

A full moon hangs in the night sky and lightning streaks across dark storm clouds. Sarah Tyler returns to her troubled family home in the isolated countryside, for a much put-off visit. As the storm rages on, Sarah, her family and friends shore up for the night, cut off from the outside world. But something comes out of the driving rain and darkness. Something that holds a dark secret so devastating that, in one night, it could wipe out the entire family.

Trapped, Sarah and her brothers and friends must use their heads as well as their physical strength to survive not only the thing that is hunting them down one by one - but their own entrapment as the besieged group turns in on itself. Can they survive the horror stalking them? Or is their enemy already amongst them and has it always been? Can they survive for 13 hours?

There’s something nasty stalking the English countryside but whatever could it be? The signs point to werewolves – the full moon, the blood, the isolation... the fact that the it’s being sold primarily on the basis that two of the four producers worked on Dog Soldiers and all other previous works, even those of the writer and director are being ignored.

But nobody’s actually confirmed that it is werewolves suggesting something else entirely…

Unless of course the “it’s so obviously werewolves that it can’t be werewolves” air is all an elaborate red herring and it is in fact, all about werewolves.

Excitement:

Tom Felton. Harry Potter pretty much eclipses the rest of Felton’s acting career and Draco Malfoy has been pushed to the side so much that prior to Harry Potter & the Half Blood Prince very few people even knew he could act. It’s good to see him getting about a bit.
More British Horror! I’m not a natural born Patriot - my love for my country is not unconditional, it must be earned. But I’ll support the British Film Industry to the very end no matter how much shite they churn out and when they’re churning out my genre of choice I’ll forgive anything. Even Confetti.

Trepidation:

The poster just screams Lame Teen Horror, the kind of film where Gemma Atkinson would be the first to meet a gruesome end as punishment for having had her breasts enlarged. This is where I’m really hoping my faith in British Horror pays off. To be fair, the TV Spots for Triangle were cut in such a way that made it look like some Lame Teen Slasher and the film is far from lame, isn’t a slasher and doesn’t feature any teenagers (not even twenty-something ones) so who knows?
The synopsis line “…survive not only the thing that is hunting them down one by one - but their own entrapment as the besieged group turns in on itself.” Ugh, please don’t let it be one of those movies! There’s nothing like the old “humanity is the real horror” bullshit that plagues cinema today to make me roll my eyes and go elsewhere. Well, maybe vampires that feel bad about what they are and prison movies where the inmates are the goodies and the guards are the baddies. Why, no matter how much it’s done to death, do people still see that shit as something original and profound?! Come on, it was bad enough when it was original! Cinematic pet hate of mine, in case you couldn’t tell.

Whether I’m right to be excited or right to be afraid we’ll have wait and see. And without a distributer, just how long a wait that is remains to be seen.

Mini Rant | If You’re Thinking of Watching “The Descent: Part 2”…

2009-12-09T00:03:00.002Z

Don’t watch the trailer first. In fact don’t even watch the TV Spots.

Seriously, whatever happened to the days when you had to watch the film to know what happens?

All I Want for Christmas is…

2009-12-08T16:32:00.002Z

The Mysterious Cities of Gold on DVD – can you believe I don’t have it yet?!

Dell Studio XPS

HP Netbook

See? I only want three things this year. How humble of me.

THIS is why Tomb Raider is the best videogame series of all time!

2009-12-03T16:14:00.003Z

Each game in the series is released on all major platforms and not just on one exclusively.
PC support and patches are prompt and later batches are shipped ready-patched.
PC support and patches for even the first game in the series (which came out in 1996) are still widely available.
Each platforms’ version of the games is properly developed and not just shoddily ported without regard for the individual demands of said platform.

Not that I’m harbouring any sort of resentment towards Capcom and Konami you understand. Just saying.

Image from laracroft.tv

Damn You Shock Till You Drop!!

2009-11-10T13:20:00.001Z

Way to get a girl excited for no reason!

Underworld's Wiseman To Helm Nocturne

You mean, mean tease. I saw this headline and I instantly thought it meant that Len Wiseman was to be directing a film adaptation of the video game Nocturne. And this wasn’t just “Hmm, I wonder if that’s the game”, it was “OMG!! Nocturne!!!”.

It’s not an unreasonable assumption for a genre fan to make. Nocturne is a very common title – if you do a search on IMDb you get 22 exact matches – but it’s no stretch to believe that the horror noir theme of the game is something that Wiseman would be attracted to.

The assumption was logical. It was just wrong. *sniff*

Happy Birthday Dr A!

2009-11-09T13:34:00.000Z

The Labora-Oratry is one year old!

Pumpkin Time!!

2009-10-31T22:17:00.008Z

I love Halloween. Unfortunately, those around me are less enamoured so it’s a rarity that I get to do anything other than watch a couple of movies and wait for the Trick or Treaters. Last year there were two, they weren’t in costume and they turned up a month early.

But this year I had a plan. I have a… *cough*boyfriend*cough* who’s an even bigger geek than I am and we were going to do the FrightFest Halloween all-nighter. But alas, it sold out on the first day and now I’m sick anyway. Yesterday I had no voice at all, today I sound like Tara Fitzgerald.

So it’s another night in, but at least I got Jack-O-Lanterns this year and they can be seen above*. They’re meant to be Dr Evil and Mini Me by the way. And there have even been Trick or Treaters - two witches and a skeleton. Which pleases me. But if no more come around I’ll be happy to do my duty and eat the sweets.

Essential Viewing:

Not that I’m expecting to get through all of these tonight but they can be used for future reference. Not least because I don’t own all of these on DVD and I’m too afraid of chewage to play VHS.

Halloween:

Trick ‘r Treat: My newest favourite and thanks to FrightFest I was one of the lucky few who got to see it on the big screen – Warner Brothers kept it on the shelf for two years then released it straight to DVD.
Idle Hands: My former favourite, about a teenage boy whose demonically possessed hand goes on a killing spree, has been usurped by the creepy pumpkin in the orange romper suit.

Vampires:

The Lost Boys: If you were born between 1975 and 1985 it’s the most important vampire movie ever made. As is true of all 80s movies staring one or more of the Coreys.
From Dusk Till Dawn: My personal favourite but I do wish they’d played After Dark in its entirety.
Blood: The Last Vampire: The Anime that is. Still haven’t seen the live action version. What I’ve heard isn’t good.
The Fearless Vampire Killers: I’m lying, I don’t have this on DVD or VHS. But it’s awesome.
Shadow of the Vampire: A film about the making on Nosferatu. Bet you didn’t know Max Shreck really was a vampire, did you.

Werewolves:

An American Werewolf in London: What werewolf list doesn’t include this classic? Best. Transformation. Ever.
Dog Soldiers: The above may be a classic but this is my all time favourite. Fantastic movie with plenty of Sean Pertwee goodness.
Ginger Snaps: Werewolves plus American teen angst makes for some pretty shitty movies but werewolves plus Canadian teen angst, menstruation and dead dogs makes for awesome movies.

Zombies:

Night of the Living Dead: Much as I love zombies I’ve always been a bit “meh” when it comes to Romero but Night is the exception. More of a pilot than first of the Dead series.
Shaun of the Dead: Zombies are the only way to make a romantic comedy acceptable. Yup.
Dead Snow: Norwegian Medical Students spend their Easter Holiday in a cabin in the mountains, beset by Nazi Zombies.
Chopper Chicks in Zombietown: Badass biker chicks, zombie miners, dwarf henchmen and a bus load of blind kids for bait. Marvellous.
Braindead: It’s a good job I’ve never liked custard to begin with because this film would have put me off for life.
Chanbara Beauty: I haven’t watched it yet, nor have I played the video game it’s based on. I bought it because because of the cover.
La Horde: I’m lying again. It’s no even out yet. But it is excellent.

Miscellaneous Creature:

Split Second: Ah, this movie used to be set in the future (2008). It’s set in London but everybody in it is either northern or American. And it stars the voice of The Batman’s Alfred Pennyworth as one of the two best characters is horror history, Detective Dick Durkin!
The Thing: It wouldn’t be Halloween without John Carpenter now would it? And they don’t come much more awesome that this.
Tremors: All four of them. And the series. Big ass wiggly worms chomping their way through the Valley of Perfection, formerly Rejection! And Mexico. And the other best character in horror history? Burt Gummer of course!
The Descent: Six chicks with picks, trapped underground with ravenous ~~Geordies~~** Crawlers for company. Horror without guns is always nice to see.
Deep Rising: Tremors on a boat! Well OK, not really. Apparently it’s one of the worst movies of all time. Seriously? Come on, you’d have to be a pretty soulless snob not to at the very least enjoy it.

Essential Gaming:

And if movies don’t cut it…

Silent Hill: Probably the world’s only genuinely scary survival horror game. Scary because there aren’t monsters around every corner. It’s the suspense that gets you.
Resident Evil: Nemesis: To be honest, I’ve never really thought of Resident Evil as horror. There may be zombies and other nasties but it ain’t scary by any stretch. The only time it ever got me was early in RE3 when you’re in the police station - you hear a crash and a scream, you can hear Nemesis stomping around but where is he…? First time around I leapt through the roof, heehee.
Nocturne: You may not be familiar with this one but you probably know of its slightly more famous sequels: Blair Witch Volume 1: Rustin Parr and BloodRayne. Vampires, werewolves, ghouls, zombies, zombie dogs, zombie cows and Frankenstein’s Mobsters.
The Thing: If you’re watching the film you might as well play the sequel.
Stubbs the Zombie in Rebel Without a Pulse: He dances, he farts, he eats brains. He just wants to find his love. And build an army of undead along the way.

Happy Halloween all.

OOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooh!!

*It’s supposed to be bad luck to blow them out before midnight but what if they keep putting themselves out? Hmm…

**Actually, one of them’s from Teesside. Just to clarify. Wouldn’t want him to think I didn’t know the difference.

A World Of Cute

2009-10-26T23:02:00.000Z

As a general rule this blog isn't a medium for reposting stuff from Lolcats but sometimes resistance is useless.

2012 vs. IMDb

2009-10-25T12:09:00.003Z

Ah, the boards at IMDb are such an enlightening place. Under the spotlight today is 2012, Roland Emmerich’s disaster blockbuster-in-waiting about the Doomsday Predictions surrounding the year of the title.

It would appear this movie isn’t going down well with the posters over at IMDb and those bashing the movie before they’ve even seen it fall into two distinct categories: those who are afraid that something will happen in 2012 and see the movie as bad taste and those who know it won’t and therefore have their own inexplicable objections. I suspect there is also a third category of people who claim to know nothing will happen but secretly fear it will.

Long story short: there is no 2012 Doomsday Prediction. 2012 is merely when the Mayan Long Calendar ends and all that is supposed to happen is a new calendar starts. The Doomsday Prediction was added later by people who didn’t understand that. There are also inconsistent mumblings about an alignment between Earth/the sun/the whole Solar System (it varies) and the Milky Way’s Galactic Center. Opinion is divided on whether that’s something we should worry about. And when I say “divided” I mean Astrologers say it is, Physicists and Astronomers say it isn’t.

The only major events set for 2012 are the Olympics and the completion of Britain’s Digital Switchover. Which in itself could constitute Doomsday since it means the technologically stagnant little town in which I reside (but hopefully won’t by then) will be without television.

But why attack the movie? As irrational as the fears of the ‘believers’ may be, they at least have a legitimate reason for objecting. Movies like 2012 and The Fourth Kind are a great way of showing that the informed can be just as irrational and, for lack of a better word, stupid as anybody.

It seems to me that debunking 2012, much like The Fourth Kind, is an easy way of looking clever. It doesn’t take any work or any degree of intelligence to see why it isn’t real yet people still wave the fact that they know it isn’t like a flag. Sure, there are people who believe this stuff is real but something as trivial as facts isn’t going to sway them and people know it. So why the neon sign saying “look at me, I’m rational!”?

Rational maybe, but not rational enough to remember it’s just a movie.

Stephen Gately Died of Being Gay! Jan Moir Says So

2009-10-17T19:16:00.003+01:00

That’s right folks. Coroners may say he died from natural causes (cardiogenic pulmonary edema) but Daily Mail columnist Jan Moir knows better. Stephen Gately died as a result of a drug fuelled gay orgy of gayness.

As Moir explains; a) there were three men in the flat, not just Gately and his partner and a drug fuelled gay orgy of gayness is the only possible activity they could have been engaged in (being gay and all) and b):

Healthy and fit 33-year-old men do not just climb into their pyjamas and go to sleep on the sofa, never to wake up again.

Actually healthy and fit 33-year-old men do just climb into their pyjamas and go to sleep on the sofa, never to wake up again all the time. It’s called cardiac arrhythmia but Daily Mail journalists aren’t required to know these things. If the researching of facts was a prerequisite of tabloid journalism nothing would ever get printed and beside, hateful bile sells.

Though Moir’s hateful bile received over 1000 complaints within a day of being published, causing the Press Complaints Commission (PCC) website to crash. Which is nice to know.

And if you would like to see for yourself just what a repulsive bitch Jan Moir is, her article can be found here: A strange, Lonely and Troubling Death (originally titled Why There Was Nothing "Natural" About Stephen Gately's Death – this is how the Daily Mail deals with backlash. Title change! Big wow!)

Post header stolen with malice from the original article. Bitch.

The Fourth Kind: Rationality’s A Bitch

2009-09-09T17:48:00.001+01:00

I'm actress Milla Jovovich and I will be portraying Dr. Abigail Tyler. This film is a dramatisation of events that occurred October 2000. Every scene in this movie is supported by archived footage. Some of what you are about to see is extremely disturbing.

The Fourth Kind is an upcoming ‘fact based’ horror/thriller starring Milla Jovovich about alleged unsolved disappearances in a small Alaskan town. The title refers to J. Allen Hynek's categorisation of extra terrestrial encounters, the Fourth Kind being alien abduction. The movie is marketed as a dramatisation of real documentary footage intercut with “never before seen” archive footage.

Technically, I’m a sceptic. Do I believe that there’s sentient life on other planets? Of course. Do I believe that being from a different planet automatically makes them more technologically advanced than we are and that they use that advanced technology to sneak down to Earth and poke holes in cows? No.

As expected, the movie’s not even out yet and its factual basis has been thoroughly debunked; the disappearances are not unsolved and the archive footage, case studies and Dr. Abigail Tyler don’t actually exist so it wasn’t hard.

I would just like to say… Well duh!

It’s called marketing. Does The Blair Witch Project not ring any bells? Debunking a work of fiction doesn’t make you clever, it makes you a dick.

.::The Fourth Kind | Official Site::.

The FrightFest Edition: 2009 | Spoiler-Free Mini Reviews

2009-09-04T23:10:00.004+01:00

Five days, twenty six films and a shed load of likeminded people. What more could a girl ask for? Ooh! Toys! Lots of toys!! And my cohorts, Jaeson and Scott were pretty cool too.

This was my first FrightFest and I think it was a pretty good one to start on. Jaeson introduced me Neil Marshall, Axelle Carolyn, Simon Bowles and Paul Hyett; John Landis stopped us getting ice cream and Scott had his chair stolen by David Hess.

Good times.

Films Watched:

Such is the nature of things, we didn’t take in the whole line-up. There are factors such as eating and sleeping to consider, getting our necessary quotient of daylight so as to avoid a sort of cinema induced jetlag and the fact that after a couple of days, 11:30am is just too early to be starting.

Triangle | World Premier

An intriguing and tight ride from the director of Creep and Severance, I would call this more of a fantastical thriller than out and out horror with a very well hidden science fiction undertone – it’s the theoretical physicists in the audience who will be the first to twig what’s going on. Be warned, this isn’t a film for the casual viewer. You need to give it your full attention from beginning to end and remember everything. Personally I would say this is director Christopher Smith’s best work to date. It’s just a shame about the badly CGId seagulls.

The Hills Run Red | UK Premier

As a general rule, I’m not a fan of the ‘beautiful people must die gruesomely’ brand of horror but this one was a pleasant surprise. Since I’m keeping this blog spoiler free I can’t actually say why I liked this film more than expected, but I will tell you that unlike other films of its nature it didn’t bore me to tears and that’s saying something. At no point was I compelled to yell “HOLY SHIT!!” as Joe Lynch was proclaiming outside the theatre that we all would (at what I presume is the point he was talking about the only thought in my head was “Hmm. Would that actually work…?”) but I was entertained and really, that’s all you want from this kind of movie.

Infestation | UK Premier

Bugs! BUGS!! BUUUUUGS!!! I don’t know what it is about bug movies but I just love them. Starship Troopers, Eight Legged Freaks, Mimic… I even have a guilty fondness for Starship Troopers 2 (I haven’t seen number three yet). After Triangle and The Hills Run Red this was the perfect film to end the first night on. What starts out as tremendous and hilarious fun turns into an all out festival of brilliance the moment Ray Wise enters the picture. Like its 2005 namesake, Infestation can be summed up in one word: Awesome!

Beware The Moon | World Premier

There are certain feelings you don’t expect at a horror film festival but after watching this feature length documentary about the making of John Landis’s An American Werewolf In London I felt all warm and fuzzy inside. A nice segue into revisiting a classic.

An American Werewolf In London | World Premier of Remastered Version

What can I say? The classic that made horror comedy acceptable and to this day contains the best ever werewolf transformation. Despite having seen it countless times before this was still the part of the line-up I was most excited about. As far as remastering goes, as a whole the film looks so much better, especially Griffin Dunne’s wounds the first time he goes to visit David Naughton. The high definition isn’t quite as kind to Dunne once he’s started to go green but all in all it was well worth the effort.

Shadow | World Premier

Beautifully shot and extremely well made Italian horror/thriller from musician Federico Zampaglione. Unfortunately content wise, what starts out with fantastically chilling potential just fizzles out into anticlimactic nothing – while the idea was good, the execution made it seem like they just couldn’t think of a way to end the film and so settled for what they did - although there are a couple of good jumps along the way and as a genre debut it shows promise for the future.

La Horde | Special Sneak Preview

For me, La Horde and Dead Snow share the top spot for the festival. I could wax lyrical about this film in so many ways but until the world premier there’s a review block which I intend to honour. Darn it.

Hierro | UK Premier

The aesthetically pleasing but painfully slow and somewhat rambling Hierro was the only real disappointment of the festival. What let this movie down for me was the lack of any real narrative coherence and too much artsy self gratification. Eighty percent of this movie consists solely of ‘heroine’ Maria (Elena Anaya) screaming, taking her clothes off, wandering aimlessly and passing out without any real plot advancement until the very end. Ultimately, it tuned out to be an ‘it’s in a foreign language so it must be good’ type of movie; if it were in English it would be universally panned.

Giallo | 1st London Screening

Oh. My. God. I tried so hard to convince myself it was a parody, I really did, but there comes a time when you have to accept that yes, a film really can be this bad. Uwe Boll is actually starting to look like a genius. I don’t class Giallo as a disappointment the way I do Hierro because watching a film this bad has a reward all of its own but… Oh. My. God. Every line, every action, every expression had the audience in hysterics. My personal favourite moment of laugh out loud ludicrousness was Adrien Brody and the coroner smoking, almost seductively, over a cadaver. WTF?!

Trick ‘r Treat | UK Premier

Half of me wishes this film had had the extensive cinema run it deserved and the other half of me is glad it didn’t because it means I only have to wait until October for the DVD. Yeah, I’m selfish. What are you going to do about it? Trick ‘r Treat is a good old fashioned horror anthology… but better. Rather than running linear as is traditional, the stories are intertwined giving the film a much more palatable pace. Me and Jaeson managed to miss Brian Cox’s introduction to the film, having been waylaid in Burger King but we did pass him in the lobby. Still, at least it was only the actor. If it had been the physicist I’d have been really gutted.

Vampire Girl Vs. Frankenstein Girl | UK Premier

The title alone should give you an idea of what to expect from this utterly bonkers Japanese action/comedy. Vampire Girl Vs. Frankenstein Girl put me a lot in mind of Peter Jackson’s Braindead (Dead Alive in the US) with over top violence and geysers of blood the order of the day, all served with its tongue firmly in its cheek. Not to mention the most adorable blood sucking, killing machine on the block. But a word of warning, if you’re offended by… anything, you may want to think twice about watching this movie without first reading up on the subcultures being parodied. Seriously.

Dead Snow | UK Premier

Ah, my other festival favourite. First thing I did when I got back was get onto Play.com and order the DVD (and pre-ordered Infestation and Trick ‘r Treat for good measure). Think if you will, Dog Soldiers but with Norwegian medical students instead of soldiers and Nazi zombies instead of werewolves. That’s a winning formula right there.

Night Of The Demons | World Premier

Initially I was confused. I haven’t seen the original 1988 Night Of The Demons and when I heard about this remake my brain went straight to the 1957 Night Of The Demon – one demon, singular. Stupid me. So yeah… I’m in the unfortunate position again, of not being able to give the praise I want to because of those damn spoilers. Sufficed to say, I was hugely entertained. Sure, it was no work of genius but honestly, who would hold that against it when it’s so much unadulterated fun? Oh yeah, the pseudo-intellectuals over at IMDb. But they don’t count.

Black | UK Premier

It wouldn’t be very fair of me to review this film in the context it was shown. First off, it isn’t horror, not by any stretch. Secondly, it was shown at the wrong time; it’s a film for daylight, when you’re fresh but it was shown last thing at night when everybody was ready to drop. Plus, it was shown even later than scheduled because John Landis treated us to an impromptu showing of The Making Of Thriller. So I won’t be expressing an opinion at this time.

Heartless | World Premier

This was probably the most different and interesting film of the festival. It’s beautifully pieced together and shot, managing to be both naturally funny and harrowing without being manipulative and it’s so refreshing to see depth without pretention – Philip Ridley’s post movie Q&A did suggest that he thought the film was a lot more profound than it actually was but thankfully that didn’t come across on screen. The dialogue does get very laboured at times and there’s the constant threat of a schmaltz overload but those are personal grievances of mine and the acting and overall quality, in this instance, more than make up for those shortcomings.

The Descent: Part 2 | World Premier

When I first heard about this film I was worried. A sequel to The Descent?! Say it isn’t soooooooo!! But when I learned that it was to be directed by Jon Harris who did such a wonderful job editing the original film, that worry turned to excitement. You won’t really see anything new here but it is a worthy sequel that continues the story of the original rather than just repeating it and I this time around I actually have some respect for Sarah (Shauna MacDonald) – for me, Juno (Natalie Mendoza) was always the heroine of the original while Sarah was just batshit crazy. It never achieves the same levels of tension as its predecessor – even Jon Harris shouldn’t edit his own movie – and the ending seemed kinda tacked on but I still jumped a couple of times and the overall effort was very satisfying. Which is a relief. Plus, even though this is a continuation of Sarah’s story it follows on from the ‘proper’ edit rather than the American one. Just listen to the dialogue if you’re unsure.

Films Shown But Not Seen:

The Horseman
Macabre | UK Premier
Smash Cut | UK Premier
Millennium: The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo | UK Premier
The Human Centipede (First Sequence) | World Premier
Coffin Rock | World Premier
Clive Barker’s Dread | UK Premier
Zombie Woman Of Satan | World Premier
The House Of The Devil | UK Premier
Case 39 | UK Premier

Films Shown On The Discovery Screen: (also not seen, though tbh the only one I regret missing is I Sell The Dead and even then only because it has Ron Perlman in it)

Friday: Best Worst Movie, I Sell The Dead, I Think We’re Alone Now, Colin, Salvage
Saturday: The Horror Of Writing, Evil Things, Fragment, It’s Alive, Pontypool
Sunday: Salvage, Pontypool, I Think We’re Alone Now, I Sell The Dead, Best Worst Movie
Monday: Colin, It’s Alive, Fragment, Evil Things

And on a final note, next time I pledge to be better organised and make it to every film showing. Screw daylight and food!! Who needs ‘em? Really.

Film posters lovingly pilfered from FrightFest.co.uk

University of Ottawa Prepares for Imminent Zombie Apocalypse

2009-08-21T17:01:00.002+01:00

When Zombies Attack!: Mathematical Modelling of an Outbreak of Zombie Infection | University of Ottawa Zombie Study (PDF)
Science ponders 'zombie attack' | BBC Article

Of course, I shouldn’t need to point out the flaw in this study. Nowhere in their research do they factor in the most crucial variable: Milla Jovovich.

Ram Ray | A Saturday Morning Classic

2009-08-15T21:17:00.001+01:00

They don’t make Saturday morning kid’s TV like this any more. OK, so in Britain they don’t make Saturday morning Kids TV at all any more but if they did they probably wouldn’t make it like this.

Note the crew laughing while the kids just sit there looking baffled.

DVD Review | The Mist (2007)

2009-08-08T16:15:00.005+01:00

.::Here Be Spoilers::.

Overview

The Mist is a 2007 Horror-Thriller, adapted from the Stephen King novella. It was written and directed by Frank Darabont and is his third King adaptation to date, the first two being The Shawshank Redemption (1994) and The Green Mile (1999).

Now I have a confession to make. If you’ve ever sent me hate mail on Flixster you probably already know this but… *deep breath* I cannot stand The Shawshank Redemption. If I were to sum it up in five words they would be: contrived, clichéd, manipulative, one-dimensional, schmaltz (the hyphen makes it one word). I think The Green Mile is better made but can still be summed up with the same five words. But at least it has a cute mouse.

In fact the only body of Darabont’s work I would say I’m a fan of concerns the youthful exploits of a certain whip-wielding archaeologist. So naturally I went into this with a certain degree of trepidation.

So what’s it about?

After a freak storm, a small New England town (did I really need to tell you that?) is engulfed in Mist. Trapped in the local supermarket, the townsfolk (including Thomas Jane, Marcia Gay Harden, Laurie Holden, Dobby the House Elf and the electrified chick from Angel) must hold out against the bloodthirsty, otherworldly creatures outside…

The Good

The film gets right into the action. There is no assumption that we need to be told in advance what will be covered later in the film, no pointless exposition, telling us what we’d find out for ourselves anyway. Supposedly, the opening scene was originally going to depict the accident that causes the Mist in all its dumbed down glory but it was cut. Halleluiah!!

Something that I loved about this film, which I know a lot of people hated, was the distinct lack of a score. For the most part everything we hear, has its source there with the characters. One of the things that really bugged me about The Shawshank Redemption and The Green Mile was the constant use of manipulative music. Most films will use the score as an accompaniment to the story but with his previous King works, Darabont seemed to prefer it as a substitute to substance. Here however, there is no manipulative music (until the end anyway) meaning he actually had to rely on his skills as a film maker to set the mood and The Mist is better for it.

Though I think its a shame the best actors were relegated to secondary roles, there were some excellent performances particularly from the likes of Toby Jones, William Sadler and of course, Marcia Gay Harden as Mrs Carmody.

Finally, there is the ending. But not the part that everybody else praises, which I’ll get onto later. What I liked was the fact that science saves the day. Film in general and particularly horror are not kind to scientists. All scientists are evil and science always runs amok blah, blah, blah. In The Mist the scientists actually take responsibility for their actions and put it right. Go science!!

The Bad

It’s too long and not all that well put together. It could easily have been half an hour shorter without losing anything, the film would just have been tighter. Also, and this is another Shawshank criticism of mine, there is no real semblance of structure. Rather than scenes that flow together we just have a series of events one after the other and nothing that happens has any real grounds within the context of the story – things just happen because that’s how it’s written.

Despite some decent performances, there’s no getting away from the fact that all we have are stock characters, divided into two categories: heroes and morons. In particular, I have a problem with Mrs Carmody. As I’ve already said, Marcia Gay Harden’s performance in the role was excellent but seriously, hasn’t the batshit crazy, walking Old Testament thing been done to death already? King, we get it. You’re an antitheist. I have antitheist leanings myself but quit letting it get in the way of original characters! And then of course there’s ye olde fighting amongst themselves. As you may be able to tell, I’m also getting sick of the whole human nature being scarier than the monsters crap. Especially when we aren’t even given a more creative reason for conflict than ‘denial’.

Why yes, I can clearly see that severed tentacle, the blood on the floor and that Norm the bag-boy is missing but I still say this is all a set up to make me look like an idiot because Antagonist Without a Cause is the only purpose I have in life!!

And there’s the ‘shock’ aspect to the ending. David the hero, his cute little son and a few other non-morons decide to leave the supermarket and see how far the Mist has spread. As they begin to drive… the manipulative music kicks in. Damn it Darabont, you were doing so well! They drive, and they drive, and they drive, and the music doesn’t stop until they do. Still surrounded by Mist and after watching a giant multi-legged beastie step over the car, hopeless David pulls a gun, and with enough bullets for the passengers but not himself, he shoots everybody, starting with his son. Then as he steps out of the car to let the monsters have him, the Mist clears and a military convoy passes, ferrying shit loads of survivors out of the town. You know, for irony’s sake (this is of course, the Alanis Morissette definition of irony). And there lies the problem. While the ‘shock’ is conceptually decent it fails to deliver. It feels too forced and doesn’t really come from anywhere other than an earlier scene in which they (overly) labour the point that David won’t let the monsters get his son. There’s no natural progression to it. This is another Shawshank example of Darabont taking the need for us to suspend disbelief too far – the convoy isn’t that far behind them. They can clearly see houses, trees, webbing, multi-legged beasties yet miss the line of well lit tanks on their tail? *sigh*

This kind of thing can be done well; Torchwood: Children of Earth pulled it off brilliantly. Perhaps if the characters had been better developed and if Peter Capaldi had been playing David it would have worked.

The Verdict

This is going to a short verdict. I’m torn. In terms of good and bad film making this is one Jekyll and Hyde of a movie. Let’s just say, I’d watch it if it was on television but I wouldn’t buy the DVD.*

*Strictly speaking I do ‘own’ the DVD having borrowed it from somebody who had borrowed it from someone else who’s forgotten that they owned it to begin with. That’s how I ended up with The Frighteners and Snow White: A Tale of Terror, teehee.

Product Review | Revlon ColorStay Ultimate[TM] Liquid Lipstick

2009-08-03T14:10:00.004+01:00

.::Warning. Girly Stuff Ahead::.

Overview

I am appallingly lazy when it comes to makeup. I never wear foundation, blush or bronzer and I don’t think my skin would thank me if I did. I wear eye shadow, but only on those occasions when I’ve seen fit to get my eyelashes tinted – Christmas, Blues Festivals or the upcoming FrightFest weekend. The only regular makeup edition to my beauty arsenal is lip colour.

Buying a lip colour isn’t something I look forward to. I find myself limited to bold statement colours (which I don’t do) and pinks (which as a redhead, I cannot carry off). However, seeing as I wanted (and still want) a lip colour for FrightFest and all the ones I own were a little on the… crusty side, I had no choice but to go shopping.

The first food-proof lip colour I ever tried was from Maybelline (I forget exactly what it was called) and it put me off for a very long time – it set the second it touched my lips, and seeing as I’d completely messed up the application that was not a good thing. Furthermore, nothing would get it off, not even oil based makeup remover which the packaging swore would do the trick. I was stuck looking like a blood sucking clown until it had faded enough for me to wash it away.

However, I have to confess a weakness for trying out new products, and new products are nearly always on offer in Boots, allowing me to experiment without going into insolvency. So I bought myself a Revlon ColorStay Ultimate[TM] Liquid Lipstick in Maximum Mocha.

What the manufacturers say

Food-proof lipcolor with a built-in, ultra-conditioning topcoat

One-step application- No topcoat required for comfortable wear

Stays comfortable and wears beautifully for up to 12 hours

Does not feather or fade; no touch-ups required, even after meals

Available in 20 full-coverage, soft satin shades

Source | Revlon.com

The Good

For the most part, it does do exactly what it says on the tin and the selection of colours is pretty decent (I managed to find one for me, after all).

There is a nice amount of leeway between application and setting, allowing you to correct any errors you may have made so long as you are quick about it. And despite being as food-proof as the manufacturers claim, it still comes off easily with a cleansing wipe.

The Bad

I actually found this product very difficult to apply evenly. Truth be told, I have never gotten on well with liquids and wands (yet I keep buying them *rolls eyes*) and although this product is easy to remove and adjust I found I was removing and reapplying so much that my lips ended up pretty sore.

Also, I found that if you are prone to dry lips, this product tends to accentuate that rather than compensate.

The Verdict

I am absolutely gutted that I couldn’t get this lipstick to work for me, as Maximum Mocha is definitely one for the gingers. But like all food-proof, liquid lip colours this one is really best left to those with the precision and steadiness of hand to get it right (or those with the determination to practice). Personally, I’d rather go with something creamier and just reapply as I need to.

I gave my ColorStay Ultimate[TM] Liquid lipstick in Maximum Mocha to my mum. In return for a Chinese Takeaway.

DVD Spotlight | Infestation (2005)

2009-07-21T19:16:00.003+01:00

When it comes to new releases or more ‘mainstream’ cinema, my local library is pretty useless. When it comes to obscure, zero budget horror on the other hand, it is surprisingly affluent.

On one of my perusals I found a fairly nondescript box. The cover contained only the title, Infestation, a tagline lost somewhere in the colour scheme and a one word endorsement from Neil Marshall: “Awesome!”

Granted, the endorsement lost a little something on reading the credits and realising it was made by people who worked on The Descent, but Mr Marshall was right nonetheless. It was awesome.

This August I will be attending FrightFest for the first time. I had intended to let events retain an air of mystery and wait until I was in London to check out the line-up (ex. The Descent: Part 2 – I already knew about that one), but in the end my curiosity got the better of me and I had to check out the website for info.

A film called Infestation caught my eye. I wondered if it was the same Infestation, finally getting a wide release after going straight to DVD four years ago. It wasn’t. But it jogged my memory and I felt the need to blog.

The not too distant future, a deadly virus has swept across Earth. Billions have perished. The survivors moved underground...

30 years on and plagued with guilt following a devastating crash, pilot Loki is coaxed back from the edge by his partner Sash. Together they must take on a new mission; go Topside. Retrieve missing recon team. Hostility unknown.

After a thunderous journey through the Earth's crust they discover the planet surface is not what it once was; only death survives. As they quickly uncover the fate that befell the first team, they are forced to make a choice; stay and die or stay and fight.

But what will kill them first....the mutants or the virus?

Source | Play.com (I corrected the spelling)

When I say this film is low budget, I mean student film low. And the cast of non-actors for the most part… can’t (maybe in homage to Romero). But, you know, they probably could with a little practice. It’s also hilarious, unashamedly rather than unintentionally, from the seemingly un-choreographed zomboid (rather than zombie) action sequences to the self-sacrifice in the manner of one passing on the last after dinner mint.

But the film as a whole is inexplicably good, and not in the so-bad-it’s-good way. So much of modern horror is self indulgent and pretentious with everybody thinking they have some oh-so profound take on the genre and it’s a wonderful feeling to sit down and watch something that is just fun. No pretence, no statement, just unashamed fun. Infestation has that in spades.

Gaming on a Budget

2009-07-19T21:52:00.004+01:00

What’s a girl to do? She has no money for games, no money for consoles and a computer that is no longer up to spec for the latest releases. And she cannot in good conscience justify upgrading her PC purely for the sake of gaming.

Praise be for the Tomb Raider Level Editor, salvation for the pauper gamer.

TRLE was released along with the fifth game in the franchise: Tomb Raider Chronicles, with which fans could build their own levels using the TR4 game engine. Since then there have been numerous unofficial tools and patches released, allowing level builders to create new outfits for Lara, higher resolution objects and textures and larger scale levels leading to custom built games that match and in some cases even surpass the quality of Core Design’s originals.

Many levels require the installation of the Editor before they can be played but here are a few favourites that can be played direct from the download folder.

The Chamber | PC only

On the occasion of a dinner Lara has met the charming Sir R. and was intrigued by the interesting conversations with this cultivated man. During her next trip to the area she decides spontaneously to make a visit, and travels to the private villa of the reputable gentleman. The butler asks her to wait in a chamber.

A refreshingly different level, The Chamber is a short and sweet, tomb-free story taking place in one room of a stately home.

Fading Light (TR4 Gold) | PC only

Lara mysteriously finds herself in New Orleans where she soon hears rumour about vast numbers of undead rising. Lara fearing that the legendary heart of Davey Jones’ has been found searches for the local Voodoo queen, Louise-Isabelle Villette whom she fears has the heart that is said to raise undead.

Based on Core Designs own scrapped TR4 Gold project, Fading Light is wonderfully atmospheric, engaging and varied while being challenging without being infuriating. The soundtrack ain’t bad either.

Himalayan Mysteries | PC only

About 2500 years ago a giant bolt of fire came falling down from the skies above... Strange beings emerged from the wreckage. Local inhabitants of this desolate mountain region came to worship these beings as gods and and built shrines and temples to honor these beings. The Denboche cult was born.

Lara Croft, daughter of Lord Hensingly Croft, was raised to be an aristocrat from birth. After attending finishing school at the age of 21, Lara's marriage into wealth had seemed assured, but on her way home from a skiing trip her chartered plane had crashed deep in the heart of the Himalayas. The only survivor, Lara learned how to depend on her wits to stay alive in hostile conditions a world away from her sheltered upbringing. Two weeks later when she walked into the village of Tokakeriby her experiences had had a profound effect on her...

(This second quote is from the booklet of Tomb Raider 1. (c))

Himalayan Mysteries is a dieters game – once you start playing, things such as eating and sleeping cease to be of any importance. From the opening cutscene you know you’re onto a winner and it only gets better from there.

I Am Legend | PC only

Somehow immune to an unstoppable, incurable virus, Lara is the last human survivor in Manhattan and maybe the world. Perhaps mankind's last, best hope, Lara is driven by only one remaining mission: to find an antidote. But she is not alone. Mutant plague victims lurk in the shadows...watching Lara's every move...

All I will say here is watch the film first. Not doing so won’t hinder your playing experience but you will appreciate this gem far more if you do.

Lara at the Movie | PC & Mac

Finally getting a bit of rest from all her adventures, Lara decides to have a relaxing night out at the movies and through the rainy evening makes her way to the local theatre, only to find it strangely empty and deserted. Of course her inquisitive mind gets the better of her and she decides to explore the various cinemas and all of a sudden finds herself each time propelled right into the movies, living through them and taking a major part in the plot herself...Will she make it through and get out of the Movie Theatre before the break of dawn with the help of the six collected movie stars that will help her solve the puzzle to open the exit door?

Lara at the Movies is a collaborative effort where Lara must battle her way through the narrative of popular cinema, from Indiana Jones to Jurassic Park to 12 Monkeys to Psycho.

Neon God | PC & Mac

Lara has heard about a secret Inca artefact that a rich drug cartel leader and artefact collector who is known under the alias 'Neon God' is looking for in a subterranean Inca Temple in Peru. As she is interested in that artefact herself and does not want the devious 'Neon God' to have it, she travels to Bolivia to his well guarded estate to find out where he is looking for it. After finding this out, she goes to Peru herself to find the entrance to the Inca Temple to reach the artefact before Neon God does. History says that this artefact was the most precious the Incas had ever owned: Immortality.

Beautifully crafted, stunning, epic… and dangerously addictive. But not for the casual Raider.

Spectrum | PC only

The chimes of a distant grandfather clock bounce across the main hall, its definite, shrill sound ringing upwards and around. All is still inside Croft Manor. Our adventurer, Lady Lara Croft, is asleep upstairs in her suite. What Lara dreams about is one thing. What Lady Lara Croft has nightmares about is another thing.

Join Lara as she experiences a mysterious journey of 'Spectrum' - the limbo between the dream and the nightmare world. The crossover point when such dreams cascade into nightmare. Live the atmosphere, breathe the tension and experience the extraordinary.

A single, self contained level that sets the bar for debuts pretty darned high. The music and atmosphere are superb and there are dinosaurs!! Awesome.

Now, I wonder how long we have left to wait for The Sanctuary of Souls to be released…

Level description quotes from trle.net

Nostalgia Trip for a Child of the 1990s

2009-06-22T19:35:00.004+01:00

(And the latter half of the 1980s)

When we welcome the Quarter-Life Crisis, we like to look back and reminisce.

The Animals of Farthing Wood

Adapted from the books by Colin Dann TAoFW was essentially Watership Down but with more animals than just rabbits. And like Watership Down it all seems very cute until somebody is bumped off. There’s just something about a pheasant committing suicide that stays with you into adulthood.

I was a proper little Farthing Wood fangirl, owning multiple editions of the books, every issue of the “Farthing Wood Friends” magazine that accompanied the series, the Hornby collectable figurines and the series on VHS (though it was cut to buggery). I still have the figurines.

Another World (aka Out of this World)

A strong contender for the crown of “Most Awesome Video Game of All Time!” I already have an entire post devoted to this gem so I won’t waste time repeating myself here.

Previous Post: Spotlight | Another World

Banned Toys

It’s a long standing school tradition to ban, on pain of suspension, anything remotely popular among students. In my day it was ‘high tech’ yo-yos, Tamagotchis (or indeed anything with the word “Bandai” on it) and absolutely anything pertaining to Pokémon.

I wasn’t into any of those things. Because I was weird.

Blur vs. Oasis

I took Blur’s side. Oasis were just a bunch of Beatles wannabes and I thought The Beatles were overrated.

Oasis have released some good stuff in the 00s though.

Boglins

Rubber monster hand puppets that, as my uncle put it, looked and felt like they were made out of cold omelette. Kids at my school would put on Boglin Shows to entertain the class.

I still have mine (his eyes have fallen out) and my box of 20 Mini Boglins.

Boy Bands

Further establishing my reputation as a weirdo, I hated boy bands. If they didn’t play their own instruments, I didn’t want to know. Needless to say, I didn’t call the helpline when Take That split.

Whenever my friends were fawning over pictures of Stephen Gately I would annoy them by looking over their shoulders and proclaiming “Gay.” When he came out, I was blamed.

Of course, it wouldn’t be right for me to talk about Boy Bands without linking to that video: Boyzone’s Introduction to the World << if you haven’t seen it, now’s your chance to rectify.

Buffy The Vampire Slayer

There was the campy, so-crap-it’s-good film starring Kristy Swanson, then there was the the awesome series starring Sarah Michelle Gellar.

Buffy was a show that transcended social glasses, popular amongst geeks and beautiful people alike. A girl fighting the forces of evil whilst worrying about the stuff normal teenagers worry about. Buffy’s a gal who always manages to fix her hair and makeup before facing the apocalypse. Now that’s multitasking.

The Crystal Maze

Aztec, Medieval, Futuristic and Industrial (later Ocean) themed zones; physical, mental, skill and mystery based puzzles and the largest TV set ever built in the UK (for its time). Throw in Richard O’Brien for the first four series and Ed Tudor-Pole for the final two and that’s The Crystal Maze.

Dark Season

The late 80s and early 90’s were the Golden Age for science fiction aimed at children and long before reviving Dr Who, Russell T Davies brought us Dark Season.

The show comprised six episodes, telling two connected stories and starred a sixteen year old Kate Winslet. I’m not going to spoil it. Buy the DVD.

The Finder (aka Finders Keepers)

During the aforementioned Golden Age, Australia was the chief contributor with the likes of Round the Twist and The Girl From Tomorrow, but my personal favourite was The Finder.

A boy named Patrick is sucked through a TV set into another world where he must compete in the game show - Finders Keepers – travelling back and forth between worlds retrieving items that have slipped through.

Fortean TV

Biker Priest, Lionel Fanthorpe presented this ‘documentary’ series about paranormal and generally weird goings on around the world. At the end of each show the Reverend would sing a little song about the stories covered that episode. Even to a semi-sceptic atheist such as myself it was essential viewing.

The Full Monty

The 90s was a decade for British comedy and what made The Full Monty stand out was it’s international success without Richard Curtis and a token American on board. Plus it was set in the city I was born.

Games Master & Bad Influence

As well as hating boy bands and having no interest in Tamagotchis, I was the soul person in the UK to prefer Dexter Fletcher to Dominik Diamond as the host of Games Master (Diamond always came across as a bit of a tit).

Back when exercise and fresh air weren’t important we had television programs about video games. Games Master concentrated more on reviews, game play and challenges while Bad Influence was more technologically informative and both series had their own resident cheats expert: Games Master had Astronomer, Sir Patrick Moore and Bad Influence had a bloke in a shed, named Nam Rood.

Gladiators

Men and women in lycra, standing atop poles, hitting each other with sticks. I can still see Wolf pulling that guy’s shorts down. The best episodes were the ones featuring Gladiators from each country’s version of the show, all together in one ultimate showdown.

‘Grown Up’ Films

Being allowed to watch ‘grown up’ films is one of the first rights of passage for any child. I started out with Big Trouble in Little China and Tremors then moved up to Alien and Split Second. You know, my taste in films really hasn’t changed since I was a kid – horror, comedy horror and cartoons. And those four are still on the all time favourite list.

Kenner Action Figures

(Ignore Legolas, he’s just along for the ride)

Specifically the Jurassic Park and Aliens lines. They were fantastic. I had (and still have) everything from the original Jurassic Park action figure line but wasn’t so lucky with the Aliens line. But hey, at least I have most of the canonical figures and they’re the ones that really matter.

They don’t make a noise any more but the weapons and attack features all still work.

Maid Marian and her Merry Men

The show that told us the truth about the legend of Robin Hood.

Robin was a vain yuppie and Marian ran the show with her band of Merry Men – a halfwit with a heart of gold, a dwarf and a Rastafarian. Together they battled the might of Prince John and the Sheriff of Nottingham, accompanied by the occasional musical number.

Melissa Joan Hart

Clarissa Explains it All and Sabrina the Teenage Witch. The former is the reason I wanted a baby Caiman named Elvis, the latter the origin of the term “Salem cough” – that is when you can’t talk without it turning into a cough that sounds like Salem crying.

She has her own sweet shop.

Mighty Morphin Power Rangers

The original and the… uh, best? It has camp appeal.

And lets not forget the introduction by Mr Motivator, the excitable Jamaican exercise instructor, clad in garish lycra (he made the Gladiators look reserved) stressing the point that we weren’t in any way to imitate, emulate or copy the Power Rangers.

Right Said Fred

Who can forget such classics such as I’m Too Sexy, Don’t Talk Just Kiss and Deeply Dippy? Up was the first album I ever owned and when I wasn’t playing it I was reciting it to others. Of course, at that age I didn’t know what any of the lyrics actually meant but childhood innocence has been a source of entertainment for adults for generations and will be for many more.

Sex & the City

Women who can have orgasms without being portrayed as sluts, women who can work for a living without being portrayed as bitches, women who can wear makeup without being portrayed as vain, women who continue to work after having children without being portrayed as bad mothers, women who can remain childless without being portrayed as something monstrous or pitiful.

Tell me that’s not a big deal.

Shag Bands

Rubber bracelets. Legend had it that if you broke one you had to shag the person that gave it to you. No one knows what happens to those who don’t.

Sonic the Hedgehog

In all his guises. My first introduction to the blue one was on the Sega Mega Drive (Genesis) and then various cartoon series. I liked the one with the Freedom Fighters.

The Spice Girls

First they were a novelty. Then the novelty wore off. Then they were just crap. Along with all their pseudo-feministic nonsense. But, their music stays with you. Whether you want it to or not.

Synchronised Dancing

What would school discos be like without synchronised dancing to Gina G’s Ooh Aah... Just a Little Bit, Wigfield’s Saturday Night, Steps' 5,6,7,8 and, of course, the Macarena? Well there’d be fewer sprained ankles and fewer memories of standing on the sidelines thinking “what the bloody hell are they doing?”

Teen Horror Renaissance

Attractive teenagers being picked off one by one has been the staple of teen horror for decades but the 90s brought us a knew twist. Or at least, that’s what we’re told. Beyond Scream proclaiming throughout that it doesn’t follow the rules, the only discernable difference between 90s teen horror and that which came before is (marginally) better hair and occasionally more graphic violence.

Teeny Terrapins

Cute little, hand painted terrapins in different poses – wearing scuba gear, eating melons etc. I was the girl in the sweet shops, who could be seen holding Kinder Eggs up to her ear and shaking them to see which ones contained a Teeny Terrapin. The technique only failed me a couple of times.

Tomb Raider

I discovered Lady Lara Croft whilst watching a play through of Tomb Raider II on Games Master (they were commenting on how her braid continues to ‘flow’ even when she’s standing still) and I knew I wanted it. Because you got to play as a girl who didn’t have a voice that made you want to bit through your own knees. Unlike contemporary, Jill Valentine.

My love affair with gal who still wears hot pants in her forties has never waned.

Derek Smalls: Now With Vitamin B.

2009-05-30T20:33:00.002+01:00

The face of Derek Smalls has been found in the lid of a jar of Marmite. Of course, the family who found it say it’s Jesus but I think it’s pretty obvious who it really is.

Any Bald Head Will Do

2009-05-23T23:36:00.001+01:00

Qualifications to be a part of the Fire Nation Royal Family: Must be brown, any shade will do, actual ethnicity not important so long as pigmentation is suitably dark.

Qualifications to be Aang: Must be bald.

Pictures oh Noah Ringer and Dev Patel in character are out and can be seen here (linked out so I don’t need to resize them).

Dev Patel, looking pretty much like your archetypal 1960s Mock-Chinese super villain (despite being Indian) and Noah Ringer looking like a poster from a costume shop window.

Apparently Ringer was the perfect choice for Aang because… he shaves his head. Yeah.

All those hopes of Noah Ringer secretly being Asian have been dashed. Although his body double will be. And female. It’ gets more and more like The Ember Island Players with every update.

Return of the Cell

2009-05-11T00:48:00.004+01:00

Once upon a time, GCI was new and CGI animated features were a novelty. And when CGI animated features were a novelty, they had something to prove and they were good. But in recent years CGI features have become the norm for western animation and they’ve gotten lazy and the quality has diminished.

The same was true of Disney back in the late seventies. They had no competition and were complacent because of it. And because of their complacency, a group of animators - led by Don Bluth, Gary Goldman and John Pomeroy - who would later become known as The Disney Defectors left to set up their own studio. The success of their first three features, The Secret of NIMH, An American Tale and The Land Before Time gave Disney the kick up the arse they needed and they started making good films again.

What came to be known as Disney’s Second Golden Age ran from 1989 to 1994, starting with The Little Mermaid and ending with The Lion King, during which time Don Bluth’s popularity had waned putting Disney firmly back on top.

Then in 1995, a revolution happened. And that revolution was Toy Story, the worlds first 100% Computer Generated feature (because apparently tacking a few episodes of ReBoot together into one doesn’t count).

From then on Disney had competition. Not just from their own collaborations with Pixar but from DreamWorks Animation who were scoring hits with the CGI Antz and the traditional The Prince of Egypt, The Road to El Dorado, and Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron along with Don Bluth’s triumphant return with Fox Animation and Anastasia.

During this period, Disney changed tact and grew up. The singing remained for a short period but the talking animals were gone and passive princesses were replaced by heroines who could kick the bad guys ass without the hero to back them up. Dialogue was good, plots were complicated, characters were three dimensional and actions had consequences. It also saw my first “Holy Fuck!!” moment – When Frollo kicks Quasimodo’s mother down the church steps at the beginning of The Hunchback of Notre Dame. Disney were no longer creating animated movies, they were creating movies that just happened to be animated. Personally, I think this post Second Golden Age era was Disney’s finest. But I’m in the minority

Disney continued to produce films that were loved by audiences but crucially, people were waiting for video. Box Office counts for too much and people just weren’t going to the cinema to see these things anymore.

Don Bluth and Fox Animation’s 2000 follow up to Anastasia, awesome cult favourite, Titan A.E. failed spectacularly at the box office, despite critical acclaim at the time and Fox ditched Bluth and haven’t touched traditional animation since. Similarly, DreamWorks 2003 flop Sinbad: Legend of the Seven Seas (also a cult favourite) saw the end of their affair with hand drawn cells. Disney held out the longest but after films such as Atlantis: The Lost Empire (my second, third and fourth “Holy Fuck!!” moment and the first time I screamed because what I’d just witnessed was so awesome), Lilo & Stitch (second awesomeness scream) and Treasure Planet (first combined “Holy Fuck!!” and awesomeness scream) failed to bring in the big bucks they too hung up their pencils with 2004’s Home on the Range set to be their last ever traditional feature. All four have since become, you guessed it, cult favourites. Seriously, where are these people when the films are new and could actually use the support?

This year sees the release of Disney’s The Princess and the Frog. Hand drawn cells return in 2009!!

For me at least the artistry in CGI features lies in creating the software with which to make the film rather than with the film itself. I’ve tried 3D modelling, so I’m aware of how hard it is and would never belittle the talent required to do it, but there comes a point with these films where a computer is doing the work an artist once would have. With traditional animation somebody has to draw every frame, every movement, every breath, every raised eyebrow. There’s a magic to hand drawn animation that CGI has never been able to achieve.

If The Princess & the Frog is a hit this could reopen the door for hand drawn animation. No doubt DreamWorks and Fox are waiting with bated breath, ready to jump back on the hand drawn horse should it appear lucrative. I’m hoping that should it be a success, it will bring Don Bluth and Fox back together because Anastasia and Titan A.E. had the most mind blowingly beautiful animation I’ve ever seen. It shouldn’t be anything special, just flat colour, 2D animation but the attention to detail in the way people move and react is so meticulously done that you forget you aren’t watching real people. The world needs more films like that.

Oh yeah, and there’s some stuff about interracial relationships and black princesses. Which, had Atlantis: The Lost Empire done better at the box office and Kida actually been added to the official line-up*, nobody would be making a big deal out of now. Yes, Kida is black and no, black does not automatically mean African American.

*Biggest injustice ever. After Ariel the Disney Princesses did become somewhat savvy but Kida’s the only one that can crush a man’s spine with her thighs. The line-up needs a gal like her.

DVD Review | BloodRayne II: Deliverance (2007)

2009-05-02T23:45:00.005+01:00

.::Here Be Spoilers::.

Overview

BloodRayne II: Deliverance is the second movie, directed by Uwe Boll, based on Terminal Reality’s video game series.

Both of Uwe Boll’s BloodRayne movies have been universally panned by fans and critics alike but I always treat other people’s reviews with caution. I am a huge fan of Tomb Raider and Resident Evil and my fandom is pan-franchise, encompassing movies and games alike and unlike my fellow fans I applaud the films’ deviations from the source material. Why? Films are a visual medium, games are an interactive medium. They need to be different to work.

Imagine my surprise therefore, to discover that BloodRayne really was as bad as everybody had said (although I do still think the majority of reviewers are taking these films way too seriously). The writing was abysmal, the action sequences clumsy, and the less said about the acting, particularly from Kristanna Loken in the title role, the better. And perhaps the worst part is Boll and writer Guinevere Turner’s apparent belief that they were creating a masterpiece.

Deliverance, on the other hand, was… not bad. The script wasn’t great but it was was appropriate for it’s genre: a Western and the acting was decent. Aside from a brief reference to Rayne’s heritage, the mythology of the game is largely ignored and that proves to be a strength rather than a weakness, allowing the film to be its own thing rather than pretend to be something else. The film as a whole was by no means brilliant but it was entertaining and a vast improvement of the first instalment.

So what’s it about?

The town of Deliverance falls into the clutches of a vampiric (and mysteriously Transylvanian) Billy the Kid (~~Scut Farkus~~ Zack Ward), with the town serving as a hub for Mr the Kid to build his very own vampire army, using the newly built railroad to ferry in the ‘new recruits’. In a bid to keep the townsfolk subservient they round up the children and hold them to ransom.

It’s up to Dhampir Rayne (Natassia Malthe) and sidekick Pat Garret (Michael Paré) to save the day.

The Good

Unlike it’s predecessor, there is nothing pretentious or self indulgent about this movie. It it what it is, a Vampire Western and never purports to be anything more.

This instalment sees a great improvement in characterisation and performance. There are nice little touches of detail throughout, such as all the characters being equally developed including redshirts and the vampires’ clothes casting a reflection even though they do not and Natassia Malthe is a welcome replacement in the role of Rayne. While Kristanna Loken portrayed her as dreary, monotonous and anything but sexy, Malthe reinjected some of the sass Laura Bailey brought to the original character. If you can look past the fact that Billy the Kid is now Transylvanian and looks kinda like a scarecrow (and is a vampire), Zack Ward makes a nicely creepy villain and The Preacher (Michael Eklund) is a particular delight - a character who, like Slime Bag Franson (Michael Teigan), is introduced to the story merely so somebody other than Rayne and Pat Garret can die in the final showdown, he is nonetheless well written, well acted and, for lack of a better word, cool. Even his death is cool.

The Bad

Although characterisation as a whole is much improved, Rayne herself remains the weak link. Malthe’s treats us to a decent enough (unintentional?) Laura Bailey impersonation but the way she is characterised is off. She’s too emotional, too caring of too many people and a far cry from the badass action heroine she’s supposed to be. Perhaps the biggest disappointment is Rayne’s face off with Billy the Kid, where after lacklustre fight he easily overpowers her and it is Pat Garret who ultimately saves the day. Rayne is given the rather menial job of dramatically staking Mr the Kid, but only after Garret has taken him down with a Gatling gun. Obviously some references to actual history have to be made but it does render the movie’s title character rather pointless.

And then of course there’s the action. Or lack of. In the first movie we were subjected to the laziest, clumsiest and least action packed action sequences imaginable. With the exception of Michelle Rodriguez, none of the cast seemed to even know which end of a sword to hold, let alone how to use one. This time around, they chose to dispense with the action altogether. And while no action is preferable to crap action, preferable still would have been good action but nobody could be arsed to give us that.

The Verdict

BloodRayne II: Deliverance is far from being a perfect film but it is nowhere near as bad as most reviews will tell you and actually leaves me a little optimistic as to what to expect from the third instalment. Remember, what ultimately made the first movie into the tremendous suck fest it was, was the writing, and that was Guinevere Turner’s crime, not Uwe Boll’s.

If you can put aside your Boll prejudice and remember that it really isn’t meant to be taken seriously (at all) you should be entertained if nothing else.

Hell, worse films have won awards.

A Thought Occurs: Airbender Censorship?

2009-04-24T18:17:00.001+01:00

Next blog will be about something else, I swear.

I was sorting through my old PSX games, deciding what to replay (because a PSX is the most up to date console I own *rolls eyes*) whilst contemplating rearranging them into alphabetical order (which I didn’t). Anyway, when I got to Tomb Raider II I snickered to myself a) for automatically thinking of Aang all grown up because of the ass kicking monks in the Tibet set portion of the game and b) my brain jumping to the second movie and remembering that because they hadn’t been able to get clearance to film in China soon enough for certain shots, that beautiful landscape you see when Lara and Terry first arrive is in fact in Wales. I don’t know why that amuses me so much but it does.

Then I remembered that Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life had been banned in China for its allegedly unflattering portrayal of Chinese society. And for those of you who haven’t seen the movie, that means that some of the baddies are Chinese. And it should be noted that there is a big difference between a Chinese baddie and a baddie who just happens to be Chinese and these baddies fall into the latter category but the move was banned all the same.

And that got me thinking.

I had a look at some other films that had been banned in China and two themes particularly sprung out. Films that were deemed to have a Free Tibet motif and films essentially portraying China as anything other than a Utopia.

I’ve been trying to find out if Avatar is broadcast in China but all I’ve managed to ascertain is that it is broadcast in Asia in general which doesn’t tell me anything. If the show is broadcast in China then the following is irrelevant and I shall have to return to my initial Paramount Are Just Wankers hypothesis but we shall see.

Whenever people compare the Four Nations to their real world counterparts they generally refer to the Fire Nation as Japan. And while the organic structure could be seen as an amalgam of Japan and Indonesia the man made aspects - architecture, fashion, art, martial arts technique etc – are more Chinese (or at the very least have dual association) and therefore it is logical to presume the people of the Fire Nation are Chinese rather than Japanese also, with the Earth Kingdom being predominantly Chinese but with small, isolated Japanese (Kyoshi Island), Korean (Song and her family) and Vietnamese (the Foggy Swamp Tribe) communities here and there.

With that in mind we have a Tibetan nation wiped out in a genocide attack by a Chinese Nation who then go on to rule the world through violence and oppression for 100 years.

Is that the type of storytelling that could get a film banned in China?

Is the Chinese Box Office important to Hollywood and if so could the current state of the Last Airbender casting in fact be a conscious move by Paramount to avoid a ban there? Their response to MANAA made it seem (to me at least) that they really are quite desperate to avoid an authentic cast and considering just how much they are alienating and angering the fans it begs the question why.

And would a ban in China hurt profits more than a boycott by fans?

Mako Must Be Spinning

2009-04-23T15:45:00.003+01:00

I wonder if the people who made the film of The Lord of the Rings had ended it with Frodo putting on the Ring and ruling happily ever after, and then claimed that that was what Tolkien "intended..." would people think they'd been "very, very honest to the books"?

Ursula K. Le Guin on director Rob Lieberman's statement that his Earthsea Miniseries represented the story she had intended to tell
13 November 2004 – read the full article here

In my last blog I said that everything I write about the Last Airbender movie is by now out of exasperation rather than anger. Well, we’re back to anger.

Since casting was announced, the Media Action Network for Asian Americans (MANAA) and the East West Players (EWP – of which many of the voice cast for A:TLA are members and the late Mako was a founder) have been trying to get answers from Paramount as to precisely what the bastards are playing at.

MANAA’s Letter can be read here (HTML)
EWP’s Letter can be read here (PDF)

You can read Paramount’s abysmal response in full here. I can’t be arsed to just reiterate what Aang Ain’t White have already said so I’m going to redirect you to their page on the subject: Paramount Responds

But here's my rundown…

Paramount Says:
As devoted fans of the original series, our goal is to create a film that will not only live up to the expectations of the television series’ fan base, but also expand it to a world-wide audience in ways that only a full-length motion picture can offer.

The original show was broadcast in over 105 (presumably that means somewhere between 106 and 109 inclusive) countries and is one of Nickelodeon's highest rated shows worldwide. “Ways that only a full length motion picture can offer” my arse! And what exactly are they implying about the audience? That we need to see our race on screen or we won’t watch? That white folks need white heroes and black folks need black background artists?

The expectation of the series’ fan base is a faithful and accurate representation of the East Asian and Inuit culture and characters we all know and love. The expectation of the fan base is not to see Jackson Rathbone slapping on fake tan to play an Inuk or to see Dev Patel playing dress up in Hanfu.

Paramount Says:
Early casting includes an Indian actor, born in Mumbai and raised in the UK and the US; a Persian actor born in Tehran and raised in the UK, Switzerland and the US; a Maori actor born and raised in New Zealand; a Korean-American actor, born and raised in Chicago; an American actress of Italian, French and Mexican heritage; among several others of varied nationalities from around the world.

The four nations represented in the film reflect not one community, but the world’s citizens. These societies will be cast from a diversity of all races and cultures. In particular, the Earth Kingdom will be cast with Asian, East Asian and Africans.

So basically, appropriating the culture, attire and architecture of a race then eradicating said race from their own surroundings is fine and dandy so long as you replace them with every other ethnicity under the sun to make up for it. So they’re allowing East Asians into the Earth Kingdom. Big fucking wow. All that means is the people who were originally the ones saving the world are now the ones who need saving,

There is one Indian character in the world of Avatar and that is Guru Pathik. And not fitting into the homogenous makeup of any of the Four Nations is kinda his thing. There are no Europeans, there are no Hispanics, there are no Africans. The world of A:TLA is a Sinosphere, not a globe and not an Indosphere. Paramount’s interpretation of the Four Nations does not represent diversity, it represents tokenism.

And let’s just note, still not an Inuit face in sight.

Paramount Says:
With this global perspective in mind, we believe we can best honor the true themes, ethos and fantastical nature of the Airbender stories and best capture the spirit and scale of the series to appeal to its worldwide fans.

True themes and spirit. Yeah. I don’t remember the ‘true’ theme of A:TLA being “Asian and Inuit cultures are so much better without Asian and Inuit people to mess them up.” And I don’t remember the ‘true’ theme being “blacks and Asians need whites to save them from evil black Asians.”

It is also worth noting that the one Fire Nation character who is depicted as good from the get go and the one who’s guidance is what ultimately turns Zuko good is Iroh. And you may have noticed that the actor playing Iroh is substantially paler than those playing Zuko, Ozai and Zhao. Coincidence? Almost certainly. But food for thought no less…

Paramount Says:
Our challenge and commitment to our film audience is to harness all the elements that have made the series the incredible phenomenon it is.

Superior story telling, animation, dialogue and voice acting aside, what made the series the incredible phenomenon it is was its uniqueness. And what made it unique was the fact that it was an epic fantasy set in an Asian landscape rather than the traditional European landscape where white Europeans must save the world from evil Middle Easterners.

Cutting out the heart of the show and feeding it to a hoard of ravenous pigs is not, by any stretch of the imagination, harnessing any, let alone all, of the elements that made the series the incredible phenomenon it is.

Finally Paramount Says:
We look forward to introducing you to THE LAST AIRBENDER next summer.

Smarmy, condescending wankers.

My plea to Dev Patel:

Pull out.

For you’re own good: You’re talented, you seem like a nice guy and your first feature was an Oscar winner. Do not taint that. Do not let your first foray into Hollywood be as the Token Genosidal Darkie Who Must Be Shown The Error Of His Ways By Heroic And Pure White Kids And His Unfamiliarly Pale Uncle.

Out of respect: Imagine if the setting for the series had been India and the movie’s producers had decided to appropriate the culture in all its glory but leave out the people, opting instead for white and Chinese kids.

And the saddest part:

What’s happening to The Last Airbender is exactly what the late great Mako (General Iroh) dedicated his life to fighting.

Images: AvatarSpirit.Net

Any Brown Face Will Do

2009-04-20T11:24:00.001+01:00

I keep telling myself that each Last Airbender rant will be the last. I try to hold off, but in the end I just have to blog. To be fair, I’ve pretty much gone through ranting and out the other side leaving everything else I have to say out of shear exasperation rather than anger.

Anyway, today’s subject is Princess Yue.

Shockingly, she is actually rumoured to be played by a (relatively) dark skinned actress. Not surprisingly however, Seychelle Gabriel is Hispanic, not Inuit. Given that Indian Zuko has a Maori father and Iranian Uncle I think it’s safe to say that Paramount are adopting an “any vaguely brown face will do” policy with regards to casting. So long as said brown face doesn’t have any Inuit blood running through its veins. Our tiny white minds cannot handle seeing Indigenous peoples of the Americas in anything other than Mystical Rent-An-Indian roles.

Paramount also seem to be going for a game of swapsies. What with dark skinned heroes fighting a pale skinned villain being switched to pale but fake tanned heroes fighting a dark skinned villain I guess it’s only fitting that the first dark skinned actor to be cast as a member of the Water Tribe is playing a girl who is unusually pale and luminescent on account of having a part of the Moon Spirit inside her.

And on a slightly side not, if you are going to insist on making Iroh Iranian why not Omid Djalili? He at least is the right size, shape and demeanour. Unlike the beanpole that is Shaun Toub. As if the Racebending wasn’t enough, I ask you.

BloodRayne: A Fan Film

2009-04-15T11:58:00.001+01:00

Stumbled across this little gem the other day.

What does it say about about Uwe Boll that more of the content and spirit of the original game has been captured in ten minutes and forty two seconds than in the whole ninety five minutes he subjected us to?

Of course, I am only judging the first BloodRayne movie here. I still haven’t seen BloodRayne II: Deliverance*. Strange as it may be, despite how shockingly bad the first movie was (and bearing in mind I’m somebody who usually loves movie adaptations of videogames so when I say it was bad I really mean it) and Deliverance's 2.4/10 rating on IMDb (not that I’ve ever placed much stock in their ratings) I do still desperately want to see it and yes I am kinda looking forward to BloodRayne 3: Warhammer as well. Not that my hopes are high. The first movie did at least have Michelle Rodriguez and Billy Zane making it watchable. Though Deliverance does have Zack Ward aka Scut Farkus from A Christmas Story so you never know…

www.bloodraynefanfilm.com

(Darn it, the banner’s too wide for my blog)

*Since writing this post I have seen Deliverance and my review can be found here.

RIP Andy Hallett

2009-03-31T15:17:00.002+01:00

Actor and singer Andy Hallett, best known for playing Lorne in Joss Whedon’s Angel, died of heart failure on Sunday aged 33.

August 4th 1975 – March 29th 2009

Airbender Pick ‘n’ Mix

2009-03-30T15:57:00.001+01:00

Turns out Shyamalan may be thinking ahead after all.

How do you get around the “Good Whites” vs “Evil Darkies” theme? This photo from the set of The Last Airbender provides the answer: Pick ‘n’ Mix.

Instead of recreating the East Asian and Inuit world the series is set in they’re just going for a big game of dress up. Mix ‘n’ match the races, just ensure that their costumes fit the nations.

Isn’t there a name for this? I’ve heard it talked about when referring to white people (usually teenage girls) who have this fetish for every aspect of East Asian culture (usually Japanese) minus the inclusion of actual Asian people. They would rather have a westernised vision of Asia than Asia itself.

Anyway, whatever it’s called it pretty well sums up what appears to be happening here – other on set photos clearly show that they are sticking with the Inuit culture, they are just leaving out one vital ingredient: Inuit people. Possibly our new Maori Ozai is filling in the role of Token Indigenous Persons.

But if you want further proof of how ridiculous the Pick ‘n’ Mix, One Asian Fits All, Whitewashed casting is just take another look at the photo linked to above. The Asian guy in the background looks great in costume, the Caucasian guy in front of him looks a bloody idiot. And not just because of his Tintin meets Charlie Brown loopy quiff thing. Also, is it just me or do those costumes look really cheap?

Some Visual Essays for your perusal:

We'll let the show speak for itself (I’ve already linked to this one in a previous blog but it’s so beautiful I’m linking to it again)
Inuit culture in The Last Airbender
Yellow (and brown)-face: A History in Pictures

And a video:

Oh I see, It’s A Vanity Project

2009-03-27T21:54:00.001Z

So there’s this awesome cartoon called Avatar: The Last Airbender (or Avatar: The Legend of Aang round my neck of the woods) and there’s M. Night Shyamalan’s live action adaptation. And then there was the casting of three white kids (I say ‘kids’ – one of them’s my age) and one South Asian kid to play the show’s lead Inuit and East Asian characters. You can read my previous opus… uh, rant on the subject here.

Well, it seems common fears were founded after all and M. Night Shyamalan is indeed making a movie about good white people saving the world from evil dark people.

Most recent casting news is as follows:

Shaun Toub as General Iroh
Aasif Mandvi as Commander Zhao
Cliff Curtis as Fire Lord Ozai

So that’s an Iranian, an Indian and a Maori. Not only are none of them the same race as their characters but Ozai, his brother Iroh and son Zuko (Dev Patel) aren’t even the same race as each other!! They don’t even look like they’re the same race as each other!!!

As tasty as Cliff Curtis may be and as relieved as I am that the rumours of Shyamalan casting himself as Iroh proved false this is not rectifying the problem.

After complaints about white actors playing Inuit and East Asian characters, Shyamalan responds not by casting actors of the correct ethnicity but by changing the cultural foundation of the Fire Nation from East Asian to South Asian. With a Maori overlord.

Obviously the good white people vs. evil dark people theme is unintentional, coming across more as a by-product of Shyamalan’s apparent desire to have his own South Asian heritage featured prominently even if it means making them the bad guys.

It would appear also that Shyamalan isn’t thinking ahead. In the show, Team Avatar are able to explain their appearance to Fire Nation people by claiming to be from the Colonies in their respective Nations (evidently Fire Nation soldiers have a habit of helping themselves to the women of their conquered foe. Real life parallels are fun). Are we to assume therefore that the white actors in the film will be blacking up to infiltrate the Fire Nation in Book 3?

Guess Yellowface could be accompanied by a little Blackface after all.

Squeegasms and Ass-Blasters Down Under!!

2009-03-19T22:48:00.001Z

There’s going to be a Tremors 5!! Why am I only just finding out about this?!!

Tremors = Best. Franchise. Ever. Well, 1-3 does anyway, I haven’t seen 4 and I won’t be seeing the series either unless I can find somewhere to watch it online since there don’t appear to be any plans to release it on DVD.*

So yeah, Tremors: The Thunder From Down Under will be another straight to vid/DVD release. Which is good. Cinema’s just too… snobby for the awesomeness that is Tremors. No word yet on whether Michael Gross will be returning as Burt Gummer but fingers are well and truly crossed.

Incidentally, if you do a search for Michael Gross, IMDb assumes you actually meant Paul Gross who played Benton Fraser in Due South. Now that would’ve been some crossover.

*Since writing this blog I have seen Tremors 4 and managed to watch two episodes of the series - Feeding Frenzy and Project 4-12 - on YouTube. The awesomeness truly knows no bounds.**

**And since writing this footnote I’ve seen all but one remaining episode of the series – Night of the Shriekers still eludes me...***

***And since adding a footnote to the footnote I've seen Night of the Shriekers. Sweetness.

When Journal Meets Awesome

2009-03-11T15:17:00.001Z

The most awesome journal in the history of awesome journals.

50 Reasons I Reject Evolution

^clickety click^

It’s A Bird… It’s A Plane…

2009-02-16T22:15:00.001Z

… It’s Supercat!!

Take a look at this article and tell me it’s not a Kryptonian cat, empowered with the ability to fly by Earth’s yellow sun. Minus the cape of course.

Wichita UFO Report Draws Wide Attention

^ clicky ^

Yellowface Lives On In M. Night Shyamalan’s Arse

2009-02-10T15:31:00.003Z

(Because it really was about time I blogged on this subject)

Let’s take a trip back in time. The story begins in 2005 (well, 2006 in my case) with Nickelodeon’s Avatar: The Last Airbender. Anybody who knows me, knows how much I love this show. In fact most people who know me wish I would shut up about it. But I’m not going to. So there.

A:TLA comprised of a single story, taking place in an alternative universe (in this case an alternative version of ancient East Asia) told over three seasons in a vein similar to The Lord of The Rings or His Dark Materials.

Naturally, when I learned there was to be a live action movie adaptation I did a little “squee” of delight, especially when James Cameron’s name cropped up. Unfortunately, Cameron’s Avatar turned out to be a different film entirely and my beloved A:TLA trilogy was in fact in the hands of M. Night Shyamalan.

I’m not a fan of Shyamalan. Not even The Sixth Sense. I find his work to be smug and self indulgent yet excruciatingly boring with plot holes forming not only the foundations, but the bricks, mortar and roofing as well.

There is however, one exception: Stuart Little. I love Stuart Little.

So I reason that while his trademark genre is definitely not be his forte, kids’ entertainment may well be.

Then at the end of last year came the casting news.

The world of A:TLA is divided up into Four Nations: the Water Tribes, the Earth Kingdom, the Fire Nation and the Air Nomads. The Northern and Southern Water Tribes, based at the North and South Poles respectively are Inuit in origin with a Vietnamese Waterbending tribe based in the Earth Kingdom’s Foggy Swamp. Both the Fire Nation and Earth Kingdom draw heavily from Imperial China, the former being and industrialised version combined with the volcanic landscapes of Japan, Iceland and Indonesia, the latter a more traditional interpretation mixed with Japan and Korea while the Air Nomads are predominantly Tibetan.

They say a picture is worth a thousand words so here’s 217.

Naturally the casting of four white kids (now three but I’ll get onto that later) to play the leads, thus undermining everything the show’s original creators strived to achieve for the world they created has not gone down well with fans.

Of course there are those who defend the whitewashing of the cast and their arguments are as follows:

The show takes place in an alternative universe so it doesn’t matter what race the characters are.
The chosen cast were the best actors available and talent matters more than ethnicity.
The show is American and was created by two Americans therefore the cast should be white.
There are white actors among the voice cast and I don’t see anybody complaining about that.
But Aang and co look white.

Let’s examine these points in more detail, shall we?

1. The show takes place in an alternative universe so it doesn’t matter what race the characters are.

Yes it’s an alternative universe, but like Lord of the Rings and His dark Materials it depicts alternative versions of real landscapes and cultures, in this case Asia.

This argument reminds me a lot of the casting of Sean Astin as Twoflower in The Colour of Magic and Terry Pratchett’s copout response to criticism that he had only ever intended Twoflower to be “exotically foreign” and not actually Asian at all. That’s right, Twoflower is not Asian and any resemblance the Agatean Empire may bear to Imperial China and Feudal Japan is pure coincidence. B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T.

This in turn sits with another argument that unless a character is specified as being Asian, they are not Asian. Before Twolower there was Harry Potter’s love interest, Cho Chang (note I am referring to the chronological order of adaptation, not source material). JK Rowling never specified that Cho was Chinese (since she thought it was blindingly obvious) therefore when it came to casting her in the film there were little white girls up and down the country crying racism that only East Asian girls were allowed to audition followed by a mass (racially centric no less) hate campaign against Katie Leung who landed the part.

2. The chosen cast were the best actors available and talent matters more than ethnicity.

First off, only Aang was cast on the basis of open auditions. Granted, nobody knows what Noah Ringer actually looks like, but given the protest that Paramount are currently up against if he were Asian they would surely have said something by now.

I agree that if a character’s race just doesn’t matter then there are circumstances when change is acceptable but that does not apply in this case. Firstly, the East Asian landscape and culture is too integral to the story to accommodate a Caucasian cast and secondly, I have no doubt that an open casting call for the parts of Sokka, Katara and Prince Zuko would have turned up more than enough talented Asian and Inuit actors to choose from. However, the open (and I use the word very loosely) casting call for these parts was not what brought the chosen actors on board because pretty name actors were prioritised over those of the correct ethnicity. In essence, there was no 'open' casting call.

3. The show is American and was created by two Americans therefore the cast should be white.

I’m not even going to dignify that with comment.

4. There are white actors among the voice cast and I don’t see anybody complaining about that.

And therein lies the point. Voice actors. A voice actor is representative of the voice of the character, not the character themselves. The work of the animators is what defines a character’s appearance, age, gender and race – fat actors play thin characters, black actors play Japanese characters, young boys are routinely voiced by adult women.

An Asian actor on screen is clearly Asian but an Asian voice actor could be anything – though the ethnicities of Mako (General Iroh) and James Hong (Elder Air Monk / Mayor Tong) are pretty obvious, you can no more tell from Dante Basco’s (Prince Zuko) voice that he is Filipino than you can from Phil LaMarr’s (52nd Earth King, Kuei) that he is African.

5. But Aang and co look white.

This is the most bandied about argument and goes hand in hand with the common misconception that all characters from Japanese Manga and Anime are Caucasian.

The reason Anime/Manga characters appear white to us is that the Japanese do not draw themselves with the same exaggerated, stereotypical racial identifiers that we draw them. When we see a face without such identifiers – namely straight black hair and dark drown, slanted eyes - we automatically perceive it as white. The same is true of A:TLA. In animation, western and Japanese, the shape of the eyes represent a person’s character, while in the case of A:TLA the colour denotes nation, but neither are representative of race – Aang has big round eyes because he’s a child and he has grey eyes because he’s an Air Nomad. Similarly the Water Tribe have blue eyes, the Fire Nation have gold eyes and the Earth Kingdom have green/brown eyes. Get it? However, this diversity of appearance does not make them any less Asian.

Take the character of Suki, the leader of the Kyoshi Warriors. Suki is depicted as having greyish eyes and reddish brown hair. And while I am more than aware that this by no means disqualifies her from being Asian, I still have trouble picturing her so without her face paint. With the face paint however, I have no such trouble. Why? Because I’m a grey eyed redhead.

The truth is East Asia has just as much diversity in its people’s hair colour, eye colour and facial construction as the west. Aang and co do not look white. They may not look as Asian as other cartoon Asians but they do look as Asian as the real thing. Which apparently isn’t Asian enough for a western audience.

But as disappointing as the casting is, it’s not all that unusual.

A:TLA is heavily influenced by the work of Hayao Miyazaki, which is in turn heavily influenced by Ursula Le Guin’s Earthsea and Earthsea went through the same whitewashing with the live action adaptation. Much to Le Guin’s disgust.

My protagonist is Ged, a boy with red-brown skin. In the film, he's a petulant white kid [...] They then sent me several versions of the script—and told me that shooting had already begun. I had been cut out of the process. And just as quickly, race, which had been a crucial element, had been cut out of my stories. In the miniseries, Danny Glover is the only man of color among the main characters (although there are a few others among the spear-carriers). A far cry from the Earthsea I envisioned.

See: A Whitewashed Earthsea | How the Sci Fi Channel wrecked my books. By Ursula K. Le Guin for the full article.

Perhaps worse still, is the complete ignorance of and utter lack of respect for a) the source material and b) the Asian and Inuit actors who are apparently just not good enough to play their own race, from the cast and filmmakers.

Jackson Rathbone (White Sokka) dismissed criticism by saying…

I think it's one of those things where I pull my hair up, shave the sides, and I definitely need a tan. [...] It's one of those things where, hopefully, the audience will suspend disbelief a little bit.

…while the open casting call for ‘ethnic’ actors (because white’s not an ethnicity, you know) to play extras (because they’re not allowed in the foreground of their own world) was just… well, see for yourself.

We want you to dress in traditional cultural ethnic attire. [...] If you're Korean, wear a kimono. If you're from Belgium, wear lederhosen.

Deedee Rickets: Casting Director

As I’m sure has already been pointed out in every article and blog on the subject Kimonos are Japanese, not Korean (Hanbok is the traditional Korean attire) and when did Belgians start wearing Lederhosen exactly? Ms Rickets also encouraged auditionees to demonstrate traditional ‘ethnic’ skills such as…

basket weaving, hair braiding, making clay pots, puppeteering, knitting, looming

Yeah. In the words of A:TLA’s Princess Azula “since you can’t see [me], I should tell you I’m rolling my eyes.”

And the latest twist in this whole debacle?

Jesse McCartney who was set to play White Zuko was replaced earlier this month by Dev Patel of Skins and Slumdog Millionaire fame.

May I say WHAT THE FUCK?!!! Talk about one extreme to the other.

This move has been hailed by those familiar with the controversy but not the show itself as a step in the right direction. Fans, however are not so easily pleased. Dev Patel might be a step onto the right continent but he is far from a step in the right direction.

Jesse McCartney may have required us to suspend disbelief but Dev Patel requires the entire concept for at least two of the Four Nations to be altered beyond the point where the source material is even relevant while the audience is expected to sit back and say “oh it’s Asia, it’ll do”. It also adds weight to those horrible rumours that Shyamalan has cast himself in the role of Iroh. That just doesn’t bear thinking about.

Patel is no more suitable to play Zuko than McCartney was but it does present an interesting conundrum. He’s not East Asian but he’s not white either, therefore any objections on grounds of his race, no matter how valid, will automatically be perceived by many as racism and others as jealousy. At least while he’s flavour of the month. Intentional or not, it’s a great way of silencing many an indignant fan while simultaneously taking the story even further away from its roots.

We’re all familiar with blackface, yellowface and whitewashing but is there even a name for what’s going on here? Well, yes actually: Racebending

I’m afraid for my A:TLA. Very afraid.

Though I will give M. Night Shyamalan kudos where kudos due. This is the first twist of his entire career we didn’t see coming.

A:TLA images from AvatarSpirit.Net

Cello Scrotum, anyone?

2009-01-30T17:02:00.001Z

Is it wrong that I wish it were real?

The medical condition ‘Cello Scrotum’ – an irritation caused by rubbing ones own instrument against their literal instrument while playing - was invented by Dr (now Baroness) Elaine Murphy and submitted to the the 1974 British Medical Journal after hearing of another ‘condition’ known as ‘Guitar Nipple’ caused by… well I think you can guess. When the letter re-emerged in the 2008 edition, Murphy felt it time to confess…

“Perhaps after 34 years it’s time for us to confess that we invented cello scrotum.

Reading Curtis’s 1974 letter to the BMJ on guitar nipple, we thought it highly likely to be a spoof and decided to go one further by submitting a letter pretending to have noted a similar phenomenon in cellists, signed by the non-doctor one of us (JMM). Anyone who has ever watched a cello being played would realise the physical impossibility of our claim.

Somewhat to our astonishment, the letter was published. The following Christmas we sent a card to Dr Curtis of guitar nipple fame, only to discover that he knew nothing about it—another joke we suspect.

We have been dining out on this story ever since. We were thrilled once more to be quoted in ‘A Symphony of Maladies.’”

Source: BMJ | Murphy’s Lore

Read the full story here: Peer Reveals 'Cello Scrotum' Hoax

On a side note…

What precisely, determines the order in which Google’s image search returns results? Relevance? Number of hits?

Typing ‘scrotum’ did not return quite as many medical diagrams as I had hoped – the first result can be seen here and the second here <-- links not recommended to those faint of heart, faint of stomach or those easily offended.

Scary stuff…

Cake!!

2009-01-19T13:16:00.001Z

And more to the point, the coolest cakes in the world!

Clicky –> Larissa Meek » 26 Cakes Perfect for Geeks

I want the Yoda one.

Horror Fan = Nob. Apparently

2009-01-17T00:28:00.003Z

I have come to the conclusion that to qualify as a true fangirl one must be a) elitist about one’s chosen fandom(s) and b) a humourless nob.

There was a blog on Fangoria the other day: Top 10 Reasons Why It's Hard Being A Horror Fan. It gave me a chuckle partly because many of the things listed were reasons why I’ve often doubted my credentials as a true horror fan and partly because it allowed me to take comfort in knowing that two of the reasons listed do in fact apply to me.

<Begin Tangent>

6. You have to hate when horror films have no character development and when a film spends too much time focusing on the characters before the horror finally starts. Somehow this only applies to new films, not older films.

Hate is a strong word but I think it’s perfectly reasonable to dislike when a film has no character development and when a film spends too much time focusing on the characters before the horror finally starts. Plot advancement and character development do not need to be at the expense of each other. The key is balance – don’t use the first act to hammer home to us who everyone is and explain to us their own personal foibles. Use the situations within the film to tell us that.

One of the things that makes my doubt my fan credentials is my refusal to jump on the “Paul WS Anderson sux” bandwagon. Why? Because I don’t think he does suck. Far from it in fact. And a key factor in that is characterisation. There is no time spent on laboured character exposition, his films are story centric from beginning to end and rarely run longer than an hour and a half. And yet, not one character is superficial. Everybody from the lead, to the redshirt to the guy having a fag or getting munched by zombies in the background is real. Everything we need to know, we learn through their actions throughout the movie without it ever being rammed down our throats.

2. You have to hate how the CGI looks fake in new films while praising older films with obviously fake-looking blood, latex and make-up effects, monster suits or stop-motion animation.

There are certain expectations (or lack of) with latex and stop-motion. It looks fake because there’s no alternative. There was a time when those effects were cutting edge and were as good as you could get. CGI on the other hand is supposed to look real and in most films isn’t as good as it could be. The problem is that people are always trying to surpass themselves but you can’t surpass photo realism that blends seamlessly with the live action background and that was achieved in 1993 with Jurassic Park. So people make it bigger, they use CGI where it isn’t needed just because they can and that’s when it starts to look shit. And budget is no object.

Indeed, my shout out for best CGI ever stays well away from the Hollywood budget and goes to Reign of Fire. Post Apocalyptic rather than horror, though if you stepped out your front door and met Sparky down there you would shit yourself.

And for that matter, stop-motion doesn’t have to look fake. Or more specifically, go-motion, a variant of stop-motion where the model is part mechanised and manipulated by a computer. Examples appear in The Empire Strikes Back and Dragonslayer and be fair the effects in those movies were more convincing than those in the Star Wars prequels. A decent plastic spaceship or go-motion dragon may not be there with the actors but they still maintain a realism that a badly done piece of CGI does not.

<End Tangent>

I found the “Top 10” blog to be funny and observational. And while many commenters enjoyed it for the same reason that I did there were a few who found it to be unfunny and offensive. Offensive?! The pomposity in one comment in particular reminded me of an article last month on Pink Raygun - “A New Era of Geek Elitism” – about Wired’s Sexiest Geeks of 2008 feature and the reactions from self proclaimed geek readers who rather than being pleased to see acknowledgment that beauty and geekdom need not be mutually exclusive, took offence at the idea.

I was never cut out to be one of the beautiful people. With the glasses, the nonexistent sense of style, the questionable taste in music and film and the hair like a troll doll in a lightening storm I was never going to fit in. But there was another direction. I love horror and science fiction, physics excites me, two of my top five television shows of all time are cartoons (though neither are Japanese – Avatar’s American and The Secret Show’s British) and the other three were created by Joss Whedon. If I could make it as a geek there might have been some hope.

But oh no, apparently I don’t qualify there either because I’m not an elitist bastard. But hey, at least my horror fan qualifications have gone up by two points.

Oh shit! Does that mean I’m a nob?!

And The Eleventh Doctor Is...

2009-01-03T20:58:00.001Z

*drum roll* Matt Smith.

Who? Yep, that's what I thought too. He currently sits nine down from the top on IMDb's list of 41 Matt Smiths.

But surely we already knew it was Paterson Joseph. And Simon Pegg. And James Nesbitt. Oh, and Catherine Zeta-Jones.

Personally, I think David Tennant's departure should have been kept under wraps until he was ready to regenerate into Mr Smith like they tried to with Christopher Eccleston but I expect somebody would have spoiled it had they tried (like the BBC's own press office in the case of Eccleston). Although, to their credit they almost managed to keep John Simm as The Master secret. Almost.

Naturally, fans will be swarming the Internet, registering their disgust, just as they did with Tennant and Eccleston as well as assistants Billie Piper and Catherine Tate and even the unknown therefore surely inoffensive Freema Agyeman.

I can't really comment. As an actor, I'm not familiar with his work, the only credit I recognise is The Ruby in the Smoke which I can't remember all that well.

But as a Time Lord? Well, he certainly has the hair for it.

All You Need Is A Snappy Costume

2008-12-29T16:50:00.000Z

In 1984 there was The Flaming Carrot. In 1999 his cohorts found their way to the big screen. Since then, the inept and largely superpowerless superheroes known as the Mystery Men have gone all Purple Rose of Cairo on us and found their way out of the comics and off our screens and onto the World Superhero Registry (beware: serious crimes against web design etiquette herein).

Check out the full story here: Amateur Crimefighters are Surging in the US | Holy Spandex! A Herd of Heroes

To be fair, Batman doesn't have any superpowers either.

Dear Mr Kring

2008-11-23T18:17:00.001Z

No apology is needed for the 'dipshits and saps' comments.

There are many articles concerning your blazing attack on fans, blaming them and their DVRs for Heroes downwards turn. I was confused at first. This didn't seem like a blazing attack to me, just a valid point.

“It’s a very flawed way of telling stories on network television right now, because of the advent of the DVR and online streaming. The engine that drove [serialized TV] was you had to be in front of the TV [when it aired]. Now you can watch it when you want, where you want, how you want to watch it, and almost all of those ways are superior to watching it on air. So [watching it] on air is related to the saps and the dipshits who can’t figure out how to watch it in a superior way.“

Turns out the actual 'attacks' on us the audience have been cut from all articles by their respective writers and we are expected to take it on faith that you were attacking us.

Luckily for you, I don't believe in blind faith, particularly not in those who have a vendetta. Yes, Heroes has gotten a bit... wank lately but that does not excuse said vendetta.

You should not apologise for an audience leaping on any excuse to attack you.

However, you should apologise for the following.

Not giving us enough credit. The smashed vial alone would have been enough to convey to us that the Shanti Virus had escaped. Even among those who can't program their DVRs.
Telling David Anders he could do an English accent. Why let the poor boy humiliate himself like that?

That is all.

Yours,

Arol

Game Spotlight | Another World

2008-11-16T16:09:00.005Z

It is the era of the Next-Gen video game. Photorealism, motion captured combat and environments where every animal, vegetable and mineral is fully interactive are all the rage. In a world where so much of our gaming experience is taken for granted it's important not to forget the games that inspired us the to take up the habit in the first place.

My earliest gaming memories are of myself up in my grandparents' attic, sat at my uncle's Amiga 500+ blowing up Lemmings, exploring Rainbow Islands, and proving my competitive ineptitude with a racing game based on the comic Viz, which I was forbidden to play because of my young age but did so anyway in secret which just goes to show that Avatar isn't the only thing I'll get up early on a Saturday morning for.

Probably the game most responsible for my current taste is Another World*.

Initially released for the Amiga in 1991, Another World was created by Eric Chahi and told the story of physicist Lester Knight Chaykin who is transported to another world (of all places) after switching on a Particle Accelerator during a lightening storm (bet that's never happened at CERN). After squishing some stinging, leach like creatures and narrowly escaping a large black lion beast, Lester is captured by the indigenous humanoids and taken to a subterranean slave prison cum mine.

In his cage, Lester befriends cellmate 'Buddy' and the two of them escape together and must find their way out of the prison utilising many gameplay scenarios that are standard practice today: the flood based puzzle is reminiscent of The Cistern in Tomb Raider (particularly the Tomb Raider: Anniversary version) while the double chore of keeping both yourself and Buddy alive could be compared with Resident Evil among others. For me, one of the masterstrokes of this game is the cutscenes which are done completely without dialogue (neither character speaks the other's language after all) with Lester and Buddy communicating through gestures only.

In 1994, the sequel, Heart of the Alien, was released exclusively for Sega CD with Buddy as the protagonist and is set immediately after his and Lester's escape from the prison. Despite Eric Chahi's statement that he didn't want a sequel to be made because he wanted the game's ending to ambiguous, I have to confess I'm desperate to play this game. Sadly, it's never been released on a platform available to me.

Another World however has been released for Atari ST, Apple IIGS and MS-DOS and ported the Sega Mega Drive (Sega Genesis in North America) and SNES consoles in the early nineties, while 2007 saw the release of the 15th Anniversary Edition for Microsoft Windows. Squeegasms galore there.

During it's journey from one platform to another, Another World went through a number oh changes to accommodate the capabilities and expectations of its new home. As well as improvements to graphic quality and the addition of extra puzzles there were changes made to please distributors: all the blood in the game (or anything that so much as resembled blood i.e. anything red) had to be recoloured while crucial pixels were removed from the bum cracks of the female aliens in the bath where the game's climax takes place.

The Anniversary Edition is considered to be the definitive version, giving us the game as it was always intended to be.

Another World remains to this day one of my favourite video games and the fact that it's stood the test of time is proof that there's more to a great game than graphics. Although the background graphics** are pretty damn beautiful.

*Titled Out of This World in the US in order to avoid confusion with the soap opera Another World. A pointless exercise really considering there was also a kid's TV show called Out of This World around the same time. Flawed logic abounds.

**Done in Deluxe Paint which was, incidentally, the first digital graphics program I ever learned how to use.

"Sure As Day Follows Night...

2008-11-12T00:16:00.001Z

...Sure as eggs is eggs, sure as every odd numbered Star Trek movie is shit."

Pegg, that quote's coming back to haunt you.

Zachary Quinto there, trying to convince us he's not cute - it's like watching a puppy maul your leg.

And on that subject...

Heroes.

I'm finding Heroes just... baffling. I get that the Writers' Strike happened and that because of that they felt the need to pretend season 2 never happened. What I don't get is why.

According to Tim Kring, Season 2 was supposed to end with Hiro and Peter failing dismally to save the day and the Shanti Virus escaping into an unsuspecting world. So far so good. But because of the Writers' Strike the series had to be cut a couple of episodes short. Yeah, I get that. But that still doesn't explain why they changed the ending and decided to commence season 3 completely disregarding all major events from the previous series and acting as though the few they did acknowledge didn't really matter anyway.

It's not as though filming a shot of a vial smashing is any more difficult than filming a shot of one being caught at the last minute. Unless by an extraordinary coincidence the WGA managed to schedule their strike to coincide with a mass smashable prop vial shortage.

Kring said that the chaos meant they had to abandon their closing shot, of lots of nasty microscopic bacteria making their bid for freedom through the airvent, and therefore the whole season ending had to be changed.

I can only come up with two possible explanations for this:

Kring had a tantrum - "the whole ending's wuined" - stamped his foot and declared that if he can't have the CGI he wants then they just can't have that ending. And then goes off for a sulk.
Kring didn't think his audience would be smart enough to realise that "smashed vial = pandemic" without a computer generated visual aid.

Not that I'm trusting Tim Kring's word any more. Tim Kring says that David Anders (Adam Monroe's) English accent is so good that nobody would ever know he wasn't English. May I say "HA!!" English people would know. People that had ever met and English person would know. People that had seen English people on the television would know. Yeah. About as convincing as Hank Azaria in Mystery Men.

And segueing from a bad (so bad) English accent to a genius English writer...

Watchmen

Alan Moore is for me, one of the most talented and prolific writers the comic world has ever seen.

It's a shame he's such a bitch.

Moore famously despises every movie adaptation of his work ever made. He loathes them with such passion that it borders on terrifying. Of course, he's above actually seeing them. He doesn't need to watch the movies to know that he hates them. He's seen V For Vendetta and had some legal troubles with The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen and that's enough to give him all the info he needs. He's a wizard. Turns out, a big bushy beard and a stupid had really do give you psychic powers.

"I'm never going to watch this fucking thing."

...are his words on Watchmen.

People who review or form their verdict on a movie without actually watching it are a pet peeve of mine (I say 'pet peeve - I want to kneecap them) and I'm not about to make an exception for Alan Moore just because he's the author of The Ballad of Halo Jones.

While us rational people, capable of forming our own rational opinions based on quality, not prejudice, eagerly await the film along with Tales of the Black Freighter (cell animation and Gerard Butler, wahay!) you Mr Moore, go comb your beard.

Welcome to the Labora-Oratry

2008-11-09T18:47:00.014Z

I has a proper 'About Me' page now. Look, up there.